THE THOUGHTS OF CHAIRMAN BOB!
"I wish I was the sort of person my dog thinks I am!"
I would never deliberately or knowingly try to offend anyone, but at the same time
I won't bow to the censorship of God-botherers, Wowsers or the politically correct!
For my overseas readers, a "Wowser" is an Australian term for the boorish, humorless,
prudish and pious, hypocrites who are offended by just about everything and
they usually have a few skeletons rattling about in their closets as well!
So be warned dear reader!
Aamongst my musings, babblings and "pearls of wisdom", there are a few off-colour jokes
and stories that have been sent in and a few from my own very warped sense of humor.
So if you are likely to take offence at the odd Blue joke or my political and religious musings and
feel compelled to send me outraged e-mails, TOUGH SHIT you best not read on, for every one else, enjoy!
Exciting News From The Sex Toy Industry!
The latest, updated models of the modern sex doll/companion
now features realistic voice interaction during play!
E.G. "Ohhhhhhhh FUCK your good! Give it to me, ride me you
magnificent stallion! Ahh, Ahhhh! Ohhhhhhhh GOD!" etc, etc.
The humble Flesh-Light has also undergone similar
upgrades but with different voice interactions.
"Let me die! Why is this happening to me? Please God let me die!
I can't take this hell anymore, kill me, for the love of God KILL MEEEEE!"
"Do not call register"
Are you pissed off and fed up with, "Felicity" (who sounds more
like Fatima) trying to sell you an upgrade to your government
solar rebate or "Jack" (who sounds more like Jamal) from
Microsoft security warning you that your computer has
been hacked and he needs access to your system to save
you phoning all day and night...?
Then log on to the Australian Government-approved
"Do not call register"
and get a little peace and quiet. https://www.donotcall.gov.au/
Or you could respond like this,
A FOOL PROOF WAY OF GETTING RID OF
DOOR TO DOOR SALES MEN AND PHONE CANVASSERS.
When the above pest turns up at the door or on the phone simply say,
"Look mate, I had Cup-O-Soup for dinner last night and it wasn't because I like the taste!"
If you think an older person is useless because they can't use an iPhone think again.
Perhaps the useless one is the one who can't stop using it...!
"Religion began when the first conman met the first fool..."
Here's a horrible thought, in about 50 years time
there will be millions of little old ladies with old corroded
piercings through their noses, nipples and belly buttons,
sagging tramp stamps, weathered butterflies, unreadable
poetry and affirmations that were once in copperplate
and/or runes and drooping, fine line liver-spotted
illustrations of dolphins and unicorns.
Some life choices last better with age than others...
Jesus was taking walk in heaven and he comes across an old man who had just
The man looked sad and dejected but Jesus though, "Well its probably just a bit of a shock to
the system, it will take him a while to adjust, Ill give him some space."
A week or so later JC comes across the old man once again and he still looked miserable, the lord was perplexed.
"My dear friend, what's the matter, you are in heaven and can now want for nothing for the rest of eternity, you should be joyful."
The old man looks up at the lord and said, "On earth, I was a woodcarver and my only son wandered off at an early
age never to return. I searched the world high and low for many years to find him, and I finally hoped that if I couldn't
be with him on earth then hopefully we would be reunited in heaven, but I can find no trace of him even here."
Jesus's eyes filled with tears, "Farther!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked up his eyes brimming with tears, "Pinocchio!?"
Do you know,
If you took all the violent, intolerant, bigoted, nonsensical
and irrelevant parts out of the bible it would only
be about three pages long.
Now not enough people know that!
(The same could be said about the internet...)
You know, sneezing in public nowadays solicits the same response
from people as if you had shouted "Allahu Akbar!" and instead
of saying bless you they usually snarl, "Fuck off!"
Someone should only be employed for what is between their
ears as opposed to what is or is not between their legs...
I know this may seem racist but lets be honest,
Surly the greatest threat to the health of the worlds
population is the Chinese "Foodie" and their taste for the exotic!
Stop these assholes and you will
probably stop future pandemics!
The ultimate consequences
of a lock-down!
That's right people when given half the chance and when there's not
much else to do, we humans will do what we always do in situations like this,
screw like Rabbits or masturbate like Gibbons!
The end result in the former instance will be a spike in the worlds birth rate berth rate,
and these children will be known as generation "C" for Corona, or, "the children of the virus..."
So there I was...
A huntsman's tale.
It was a bright, crisp Autumn morning that announced that first hint of winter,
there being a light yet sharp chill in the air, and I was slowly working my way along a
shallow creek towards a small billabong I knew well.
The lazy early morning warble of the Magpies and sharp cackle of the Kookaburras
accompanied me, as did the slow bubbling of the creek I was following; the sun slowly
began to gently pierce the tree canopy casting sweet shadows here and there.
All was peaceful, all was serene all was as it should be on a bright, crisp autumn morning.
To be truthful I wasn’t hunting anything in particular and would have been content to
go home without firing a shot, however I still felt the urgent need to go afield
and top up my larder to provide for my family.
I soon reached the billabong and paused a while to take in its natural, untouched beauty
and silent serenity; and then I saw him or to be more accurate, I sensed his presence.
There, barely fifty meters away, half in shadow half in sunlight stood a magnificent beast, a Monarch!
His movements were cautious yet confident as he surveyed his surroundings, he had
drunk from this water many times over his many seasons but still he must be wary.
I slowly switched on the pro-point and gradually raised the big .45-70 Marlin to my shoulder,
my actions had to be near invisible for if he perceived the slightest movement
he would be away in a flash!
Cautiously I placed the little sharp, red dot of death on to his vitals and
began to slowly squeeze the trigger.
I felt that small stab of shame that all ethical hunters should feel as they are
about to end a noble beasts life but put this aside as he had already lived
many a long season and no doubt sired many younglings and my need was great,
and then the shot broke.
The tremendous roar of the mighty .45-70 shattered the tranquility of the billabong
like a clap of thunder that put all the birds to noisy flight!
He staggered only once then dropped to the ground and breathed his last.
A Monarch has fallen, the king is dead,
long live the king!
Once upon a time there was a beautiful, sweet young blond
that often pondered long and hard as to why she only
had three sisters whereas her brother had four...
You know what's wrong with modern society?!
Ill tell you what's wrong with bloody modern society!
Nobody ever drinks from the skulls of their enemy's anymore,
that's what's wrong with this bloody modern society!
Mine Clearance for Dummies.
First, carefully probe for a mine...
It struck me the other day that when a God botherer says words to the effect that,
"God has spoken to me..." or "God has revealed to me..." etc etc,
Wouldn't you think that if the almighty really wanted to let us in on his great
plan he would have cut to the chase and told everyone the same thing at the same time...
The "Greens" spend a lot of time and effort stopping
winter back-burning and forest management yet
when a fire erupts the bastards are nowhere to be seen fighting it!
Advice to my sons.
Sing as if no ones listening.
Dance as if no ones watching.
Laugh as if no one cares,
and screw as if you were being filmed!
(This will also be on my headstone)
Do you know, the most intelligent muscle in the whole human body
is the sphincter, that’s right, the humble bum hole!
It can tell the difference between a liquid, solid or gas
and how to deal with them all by itself...
Now not many people know that!
The essence of (some) religions explained.
If your partner/lover/friend said to you,
"The choice is yours, but you must love me, honor and obey
me and my friends or I'll kill you..."
Would you really want to have anything to do with them...?
Do you know, that every hotel room that is at least 10 years old has been
a crime scene at some time, because someone died or something
illegal or immoral has happened there and probably on that very same bed!
Now not many people know that.
Enjoy your stay and sweet dreams...
Climbing Mt Everest ain't what it use to be and seems to have lost all its mystique,
one wonders how long till there'll be a McDonalds and a Starbucks at the summit.
"If you love something, let it go...."
Then move, change your name,
and have plastic surgery.
"Look up in the sky!
It's a bird?
It's a plane?
Date line New York;
and sex doll advocates demand equal rights and access
to health and counseling programs that human sex workers have.
"Just because they're made of latex doesn't mean
they can be treated like sex toys!" A spokesperson said today.
Join the flat earth society!
We have members
from around the globe.
What would happen if all the deeply religious
people suddenly went to heaven?
Peace on earth...
Every activist has every right to be heard!
And we have every right to ignore them...
How come the mad scientists always open
a portal to Hell, but never one to Heaven?!
When a politician claims that something's, "fake news"
the chances are it isn't...
STEYR HS 50-M1 .50BMG AS NEW
So; you know that complete shit for brains that revs his Ute at all hours of the night and day and does burnouts up
and down the street with is dickhead mates at 2 Am in the morning; well, this will fix his engine block in no time...
Fully cased with all tools etc and has fired a total of five rounds--$9575
(N.B. Please be aware that shooting at shit for brains engine blocks is not recommended or even legal
in most states, always check first with your friendly local police.)
I am now 59 years old.
I have no idea how much time I have left on this earth,
but with what I've got, I'm going to get really weird with it!
You can lead a millennial to knowledge
but you cannot make it think!
Just because your offended!
Just because your outraged!
Just because your triggered!
Doesn't mean your right or anybody cares!
There is no such thing as an Atheist
just before an orgasm...
It never ceases to amuse me that the Doctor, Businessperson, Teacher, Professor, Scientist
and home maker etc etc who live quietly, pay their taxes and contribute to society and
who just happen to be Jewish, are often labeled as "parasites" that should be exterminated.
Whereas the moronic, soft-cock millennial with no common sense and the IQ of a meat pie,
who practices his "Sieg Heils" in the bathroom mirror and his Goose step in the
living room, who covers himself with tattoos that make him virtually unemployable
and who contributes nothing and is a burden on society, is in the eyes of
some, not a parasite but somehow superior...
The injustice, violence, and cruelty perpetrated against the Jews for the past 2020 years
far outweighs any they have committed against others.
I would rather live in blissful ignorance than
a state of constant paranoia.
Donald Trump has achieved what no other has in history.
He has united the entire world; in laughter...
That awkward moment after you return from the bathroom at the Nazi
Christmas party and realize the Fuhrer has taken your seat...
There is nothing wrong with,
"telling it like it is!"
Just as long as you know what it is
you are talking about in the first place...
"YOU'RE A WRETCHED, FOUL SINNER
BOUND FOR ETERNAL HELLFIRE!!"
Because six thousand years ago a talking snake
convinced a woman to eat an apple...
You know the best thing about having a
Sharing it with people who don't...
My mum use to say, "Engage brain before
mouth in gear." I think a more modern interpretation
should now be, "Engage brain before hitting the post button..!"
I hate Vegans and Vegetarians, they only
what can't run away from them...!
"Hello, help desk..."
From a 1913 sex manual.
They did things differently
in grandma and grandpa's day...
If the best man for the job is a man, so be it.
If the best man for the job is a woman, so be it.
But always, just get the best man for the job!
Religion, the only confidence trick that is
both legal and tax deductible.
A woman that sucked her way to the very top,
only to find out the view wasn't that good after all...
Artillery adds distinction to a fight that would over-wise
be nothing but a common brawl!
There is nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade,
just as long as you actually know what a spade is...
Chairman Bobs Great Moments In History.
June 23rd 2003, 9.06 am, the first mobile phone with digital camera is sold!
June 23rd 2003, 9.13 am, the first mobile phone photograph of human genitalia is taken!
An educated person is one who can listen to
the William Tell overture and not think of the Lone ranger...
If God had not wanted us to eat animals,
he wouldn't have made them out of food!
Do you know, right now, somewhere in Africa,
there's a Leopard walking about in Whore skin underwear...
Now not many people know that.
Have you ever noticed the one thing the
politically correct all have in common.
They ALL seem to be deeply unhappy...
Let’s be honest shall we.
Todays "sacred site" is tomorrows,
"Exiting real estate development opportunity!"
Never let harsh reality interfere with a comforting conspiracy.
Those who ask questions, lead to answers. Those who take things at face value will
believe anything and don’t need answers, and those who think they know all
the answers without question or evidence, are Fools!
I have no problems if they legalize Gay marriage.
Just as long as they don't make it compulsory!
One of the most basic, commonsense rules in life,
is always to be courteous to people who
handle your food, cash or well being...
When I first saw this gif, all I
could think of was the Beatles song,
♫♪All together now...♪♫
"Follow the bouncing boobs..."
When all else fails,
Just Get a Bigger Hammer!
Have you ever noticed that the very best zits, pimples and
black heads are always found in the most inconvenient of places!
George A. Romero,
Father of the Zombie Film, Dies at 77
Millions of the dead owe their lives to him.
Gentlemen, let us consider Prostate cancer.
If you are over fifty or have a family history of the
disease get a check up, after all, isn't it
better to be probed by one, than carried by six...
My tendencies all tend to be latent, but
you see the more latent they are,
the more fun thy tend to be...
No matter how much you desperately want to,
no matter how much they desperately beg you,
NEVER, EVER, stick your dick into crazy!
Waiter! waiter! there is a fly in my soup!
Have no fear masseur, the spider on the bred roll will get him!
Dateline India; and novice human cannonball,
Rohan "Lightning Bolt" Patel comes a cropper!
A good politician, like a good chess player, must think several moves ahead.
Trump docent seem to think at all...
“It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one
way to spell a word.” ― Andrew Jackson
Andrew Jackson; soldier, statesman, seventh president of the
United States of America and patron saint of all us dyslectics!
In fact, my old high school English teacher once told me if I mucked around with my
spelling just right it would become an entirely new language!
The first rule to being a "reliable, believable, influential and trust worthy" conspiracy theorist is,
NEVER EVER believe in your own conspiracy's...
So there I was, desperate virgins to the left of me,
oversexed maidens to the right!
"We want love you looooong time!" they all cried.
It was HELL I tells ya...!
There is nothing more comforting more blissful; more ignorant more fearful more primitive
and more wasteful of intellect, than blind, prideful, unquestioning faith!
The Platypus, proof that even God
gets drunk sometimes...
America today is looking more and more like one great big
super retarded, super sized episode of The Jerry Springer Show...
Amish go wayyyy bad!
Going Gorilla shit with elder Gideon!
I really wanted him to do well and I thought President Trump
would be far different from candidate Trump.
I was mistaken.
The first news outlet that reports events as accurately, dispassionately and objectively
and as apolitically as possible without fear or favor, without editorializing or using
leading commentary, will be on a gold mine, because the increase in trust and states from
the public derived from "integrity" will far outstrip the desire to skew or manipulate public opinion.
At present none have been smart enough to have cottoned onto this simple fact!
They have the potential to turn things around only IF they stop playing politics.
Unknown to Sister Mary Joseph, young Suzie
had recently joined the Satanic church
of the orgasmic apocalypse.
You know, I have no idea how many years
I have on this earth, but with what I have left,
I'm going to get really weird with it...
"Politics is the art of the possible."
But the possible can only be achieved if the art of diplomacy is mastered first.
History will ultimately judge Donald Trump as either an enormous success or a horrendous failure, there will be no in between...!
I'm never "triggered" by anything,
but because I identify with those who are,
I'm now triggered by everything!
It's just sooo exhausting being PC nowadays!
A tale of woe!
.22 short rapid fire pistols and why are they worth collecting.
The story goes a little like this.
The Olympic shooting federation changed the rapid fire rules so that only un-ported guns in
.22lr can be used in the "Olympic course of fire, so, all the pistols we had for this match
(some worth $2000+) became obsolete and virtually valueless over night!
And then our Savior arrived!
The Australian gun owners friend!
Our (ex) beloved and wise leader, Mr John Winston Howard!
In his noble crusade to spread peace and love and make us all just a little safer;
Glorious leader commanded that a bounty be placed upon the heads of the most
evil guns that were hiding within our midst, skulking on every street corner and
lurking down every dark ally; and that for the good of the nation they
should be given up for righteous execution!
However, the modest Hammerli, Unique, Hi-Standard and all their cousins such as
FAS and Walther to name but a few were exempt from this pogrom,
being good little guns that wouldn't dream of hurting anyone!
But alas, they were betrayed by the very masters who had once loved them!
And so, it came to pass that most were sent forth to the fiery pit for a mere hand full of silver!
Ohhhh WOE! SHAME! THE HORROR!
And that's why it's a collectors item!
Here ends the lesson!
There is nothing wrong with having high ideals and basic humanity and goodness and opening
your hearts and welcoming people from all over the world to your nation.
Just as long as they share the same high ideals and basic humanity and goodness as you
or are at least prepared to learn and accept and live by them.
Piss off we don't want you here!
I had the, "Telstra technical department" call me the other day informing me my computer was full of viruses and they wanted to help me get rid of them; this is of course a scam.
I told, "Timothy" who sounded like he went to Bombay high to kindly piss off to witch
he replied, "You can suck my dick!" to witch I responded that I don't usually snack
on junk food but if he sent it to me in the mail I'd give it a go...
“Those Who Can Make You Believe Absurdities,
Can Make You Commit Atrocities” Voltaire
The greatest enemy to humankind has and will
always be the politician and the cleric.
Now remember kids, this is what can
happen if you hold your farts in!
You know I think the rocks the Greens hide under aren't nearly heavy enough...
My therapist told me I have a "God complex..."
How dare he say that unto me!
Karma, the natural enemy of the Arsehole...
April, June and November.
All the rest have thirty-one.
It's so unfair!
When too much Coffee is not enough.
The AGM and residents picnic of the Sleepy Willows boles club &
retirement village could became a little high spirited at times...
You know, I'm absolutely convinced there are people whose main hobby, interest and
sport is to be an outraged activist or social justice warrior and deliberately set
out to be "triggered" by anything and everything in exactly the same way
normal people like to fish, shoot, read, play tennis and golf or go to the movies.
These Green/Libtard "hobbyist" militants will often support multiple
causes just for the sport of it and wear any arrest or court hearing
like a badge of honor; therefore one must always question their sincerity,
integrity, motives and intellect...
"Land rights for gay whales! Land rights for gay whales!
Land rights for gay whales!"
I knew a holocaust survivor who once said after watching
a political report on the news.
"We Australians (he became a citizen) are so very lucky, we only need
to worry about if we want to go to the beach or the races on the weekend
or if we want milk and sugar in our tea..."
Desperate for something to happen, but it never does.
There was something about Eve
that the other ladies in the embroidery circle
couldn't quite put a finger on...
The only time you will ever hear politicians speaking even
partially the truth, is within the first 24 to 48 hours
after an election, after that, it's back to the same old bullshit...
And then Oberleutnant Schmidt took
a quick look over his shoulder to check his six......
I wonder how many wars, bigotry's,
hatreds and perversions have all started from a pulpit?
JOB OPPORTUNITY, GUAM!
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young
virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
From Australian Hunting net.
Never before has a generation so diligently
recorded themselves accomplishing so very little.
Now Trump gets elected, it will be the first
time in history that a billionaire has moved
into public housing that was vacated by a black family.
No one is an atheist just before an orgasm...
Ode to the Millennial.
It was the best of times, it was the "meh" of times...
"Politics is the art of the possible."
But the possible can only be achieved if the art
of diplomacy is mastered first.
Donald Trump take note...
If God gave us a brain,
why does religion never want us to use it!?
Apart from suicide, there can be no greater personal injury
than self inflicted, dogmatic and willful ignorance...
You know, if the 2016 US election was a national IQ test,
well lets just say, Potato...
It's very simple!
If you won't be friendly with the cops
then you had better be very friendly with the criminals...
Silly girls just love bad boys,
until they treat them bad...
Then its often too late.
The outcome of US election affects the entire world and the man or woman at the top
must be a fit, proper and competent person with no question marks over them whatsoever.
The ardent "genuine" (not troll or bot) Trump supporter my well say,
"So what, fuck you, USA! USA! USA!" however, Americas have the right to vote
for their president, but the rest of the world must live with their decision.
We have absolutely no say in who will be the leader and spokesman of the free world
and most powerful person on the planet particularly if he wants to go to war...
Winning an argument with an intelligent
person is always difficult,
but winning an argument with an idiot is IMPOSSIBLE!
Science shines light into the darkens where
only God was supposed to dwell...
Dateline Parris Island 1943: And Col. Anthony Joseph Drexel Biddle
hand-to-hand combat expert known for ordering trainee Marines to attempt to kill him
with bayonets, and then disarming them all using nothing but his skill and cunning!
(Untill they finally got their shit together...)
I hate being Bipolar,
I was thinking about
to the Gods the other day when it struck me.
If I really wanted to be in their good books perhaps
I'd be better off sacrificing someone who knew what they were doing...
You know the great thing
about being a bigot?
You need no maturity or
intelligence to be good at it!
You can always rely on the arrogance of the willfully stupid and ignorant.
The biggest threat to racists, is education...
The Donor cycle.
Pragmatism not emotion or politics
is the key to sound legislation.
The sacred cow makes the best hamburger...
You know your obsessed with Twitter and texting
is when you unplug
grandma's life support to charge your mobile phone...
If you could reason with God botherers,
then there would be no God botherers...
The greatest gift you can give your children
that they will take through their entire
lives is discipline.
January 8, 2016, Germany and a young naked model
protests the new years eve sexual assaults on women!
And this gentlemen is what you call, sending mixed messages...
I swear to god if it weren't for the jiggle bits we'd throw rocks at them half the time!
"Respect us! We are no fair game, even when we are naked!!!
I agree with the sentiment, but not it's silly and "PC" execution.
I'm just one bad relationship
away from owning 30 cats!
Do you ever get the feeling America has become that
Looney on the
street corner shouting incoherently at their shadow...
Best just walk quickly by ignoring them and try not to make eye contact.
Karma, dignity's natural enemy...
Death of Bonzo.
I went to a funeral the other day, strange how the
guest of honor is never the life of the party...
If we lie to the government it's a crime.
If the government lies to us, well, that's just politics...
The greatest threat to free speech, progress, education, humanity, culture, national identity and civilization are the proponents and champions of POLITICAL CORRECTNESS!
There is nothing progressive or even good about political correctness, even the radical Islamist
is nowhere near as dangerous or as destructive to a civilized society and its culture and identity;
and the best way to defeat these foul villains is simply to have the courage to ignore
them or like good Australians, square your shoulders, look the
bastards dead in the eye, and tell them to "FUCK OFF!"
The Greens are the personification of political correctness in every way and their dogma will always take precedents over honesty, fairness, freedom and even reality and they have
always passionately believe themselves to be our intellectual and morel
superiors on every level and on every subject.
The Greens, have no integrity whatsoever because, like all other other "Social Justice Warriors"
they espouse and demand freedom of speech, just as long as it's only their voice that is heard
and will shout down all others, and like all other narcissistic zealots, even when they are wrong,
when they are proven wrong and even if they know in their own hearts they are wrong, they
will always rabidly claim to be in the right no matter what, and unlike other political party's
who may sometimes realize and admit they have made mistakes, the Greens seldom if ever
admit to errors of judgment as they are in their own eyes, infallible!
If the Greens are ever granted real power, they will prove themselves to
be the most high handed, vile and dictatorial of fascists and the enemy of freedom and democracy!
Have you ever heard of an Atheist
killing in the name of atheism?
There's good and bad in all people.
But far more bad, in bigots...
You know, if all us gun owners and hunters are such terribly dangerous, unstable and violent people, how come all
the anti-gun activists can still draw breath?
Well, that's one myth dispelled!
It sneaks up on you
when you least expect it...
Anything coming from main stream media should be treated
with some skepticism.
Anything coming from the Murdoch empire must be treated
with utmost suspicion!
This is like looking at
a bad car crash.
You know you mustn't,
but you just cant tear your eyes away!
"You might be a king or a little street
but sooner or later you dance with the reaper..."
I'm sorry but the idea of a deity siting at it's cosmic drafting board designing
and creating life forms one after another is a concept that could only
appeal to small children and adults with even smaller IQs.
"An honest politician is an oxymoron!"
Because it's better to figure things out than making shit up!
"IT IS SO!"
The main problem with religion and religious thinking and
teaching is that its firmly set in 3000+ years of dogmatic stone...
"IT IS SO!"
Thunders the Church the Mosque and Temple and God will
damn you (if you use the intellect that God apparently gave you in the first place) to
eternal hell fire if you dare question it!
Reasoned thinking suggests,
"It is so, until proven otherwise, so please keep thinking, exploring,
theorizing and above all, questioning and challenging what is known and what is not known..."
One intellectually imprisons, the other intellectually liberates.
One sets out to discover the truth, the other rewards only ignorance.
One encourages freedom to explore the unknown, while the other claims it has all the
answers and if you begin to doubt and challenge the established dogma and
start asking difficult questions you will be punished for all eternity!
"IT IS SO!" may have been just fine and dandy 3000+ or even 30 years
ago but not now, the world is at last undergoing another reformation.
"IT IS SO!" Has had it's day and we should no longer put our trust
in the teachings and superstitions of 3000 year old, goat herders!
If you are a deeply religious type, please think on this.
If you could bring back all the men who wrote all the "Holy" books throughout history,
how well would they fit into our world, and how well would we fit into there's?
Perhaps God is giving us, "Tough love..." In giving us the ability to question his/hers or it's very existence, is to ultimately help us mature as a species, with the object of no longer relying
or believing in him/her or it, thus achieving true enlightenment and freedom.
You could say God want's us to not to be believers but to be thinkers...
Ethics without dogma, principles without faith.
Just because a religion is old, just because it's been fought over for centuries, just because
it's now set in cultural stone and just because it's venerated and worshiped and
believed in by millions, doesn't mean it was ever right or even true to begin with.
I get the impression America, is becoming more
and more like an old theme park.
Once magnificent and inspiring, now just tired and irrelevant,
relying on it's past glory to get by, but slowly and surly falling
deeper and deeper into disrepair and decay; and the management has
no idea how to reverse its fortunes other than to keep
trumpeting the hollow boast of how great it is...
Never waste natures gift of sentience.
I have nothing but respect and admiration for all Soldiers, Sailors,
and Airmen and what galls me most is that their fate is
dictated to by politicians!
"It's a conspiracy I tells ya!"
Just a thought.
When you think about it, if someone really knows, "The Truth" about the Kennedy assassination, 9/11, Port Arthur, Sandy hook, Pulse nightclub shootings AIDS, ISIS and Corona 19, Zika virus etc etc etc (or any other conspiracy theories/fantasies out there) then wouldn't you think that the real people behind the conspiracy would do something about it?
I mean if the bad guys have no qualms about murdering 3000+ people on 9/11 for instance it shouldn't bother them in the slightest to pay off someone to be silent or put a couple more on the missing list that might be in the position to expose them and their evil plans now would it.
Unless of course...
Those exposing "The Truth" are actually part of the conspiracy, putting out false and/or ludicrous information just to confuse and mislead the "sheeple..."
Mmmmmmmmm, Now there's a conspiracy!
I worked many years in media and real conspiracies defiantly exist and we probably hear of only a tiny fraction of the serious criminal, political and business wrong doings, cover ups and genuine criminality both large and small that goes on behind the scenes every day, some of witch can have a detrimental effect on people and society. However not EVERY conspiracy is real and in this essay I'm mainly referring to the promotion of the more dramatic, bigoted, irrational and outlandish conspiracy theory's and fantasy's found on the internet such as; Pizza-gate, faked moon landings, flat earth, earthquakes and epidemics and attempted word domination etc etc by aliens, Jews, Catholics, Pedophiles, Freemasons the Illuminati, the CIA, KGB, MOSSAD, NSA, FBI, MI5, NASA and the deep state or other "Evil Overlords" of one type or another.
One wonders just how many of the big conspires have ever really been attempted, planed or even contemplated...
On the subject of the "Deep State"
Trump aide Steve Bannon admitted that the whole thing was a fraud invented
purely to help prop up the Trump administration and that its proponents and
supporters were "nut cases."
However, though the "deep state" is not an organized or coordinated entity and there is no "great master plan" I feel what is more likely is that you have very wealthy and influential individuals with vested interests quietly meeting in oak-paneled rooms over cigars and cognac and/or on golf courses etc scratching each other's backs for mutual profit, nothing more nothing less.
In other words, they are motivated by simple greed and not a world dominating ideology.
Ok, lets get down to business.
In a nutshell people will all to readily believe and defend all manner of untruths as cold hard fact no matter what, as long if it coincides with their own beliefs, dogma or bigotry; and even with just a little bit of investigation or critical thinking on their part would prove the story to be untrue a fabrication or just plain utter nonsense.
"Confirmation bias" will almost always win out over common sense and the real truth and this is the stock in trade of the conspiracy theorist, and its fair to say they both have very selective senses and intellects and only hear, see and remember what they want.
Confirmation bias, is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one's preexisting beliefs or hypotheses, while giving disproportionately less consideration to alternative possibilities, readily verifiable facts or even basic common sense and reality; and the worst examples of this is when someone in their heart of hearts knows something is a fabrication but still promotes it as absolute truth.
Now to begin with there seems to be about eight main species of conspiracy theorist/fantasist who bombard the media, police or government departments as well as infest all forms of social media and the internet and all go by different names and have different objectives such as Qanon, Infowars etc but all purport to know, "The Truth" about what's really going on in the dark recesses of government and society etc.
Lets break it down,
1: The "Professional" will often be found in "Troll farms" working for business, media or government etc concocting story's to push an agenda or sway public opinion there is also a sub species who will cynically jump on any story and produce webcasts, books and videos for fame and fortune and often hawks dodgy products such as vitamins and supplements etc and is basically trying to profit
from their non critical followers ignorance, gullibility, paranoia, bigotry or fear, Alex Jones of Infowars and almost every
televangelist that ever was.
Unfortunately Rupert Murdoch's FOX and Sky News must also get a mention for the deliberate spreading disinformation
about Covid 19.
2: The unmedicated, unsupervised, schizophrenic or other mental patient with access to a PC and depending on how unmedicated
and unsupervised they are will depend on how much these people can produce and it can be a lot!
They mostly rant incoherently and often a great length, but some can make up all sorts of very well thought out and passable pseudoscientific, political, economic and/or biblical theory's along the way and some can be quite brilliant, lucid and insightful
in their own mad sought of way.
3: The tinfoil hat wearing paranoid narcissist who tirelessly investigates, "joins the dots" and "uncovers the truth" and reveals the
"false flags" of the deep state etc. These guys can find a conspiracy in a bowl of roses in the same way a religious nut can see the
face of Christ in a half eaten meat pie and similar to the unmedicated and unsupervised schizophrenic mentioned earlier, can produce vast amounts of product depending on how motivated they are.
4: The "Childish bigot" and "Intellectual
and historical revisionist bigot" These people
basically just want any excuse to blame and/or attack, Jews, Catholics, Muslims,
Blacks, Asians, Gays etc, etc etc for no other reason other than they hate them
they are the object of their prejudice no matter what the subject or incident.
The "Intellectual/historical revisionist bigot."
Though the very foundations and core belefes are often fundamentally and obviously flawed to most people, the Intellectual/historical revisionist bigot will often have very well thought out and cleverly worded arguments sighting historical, religious or political instances (usually tenuous, popularest and/or highly selective at best) to give substance to their claims that will sometimes require a little research to debunk if you have the time or inclination to do so.
Their lack of integrity will even go as far as to fabricate stories (Conspiracy fantasies) in an attempt to influence others into their
way of thinking and are very fond of saying, "history is written by the victors" however, rewriting history to fit into their prejudice
makes them nothing more than pseudointellectual frauds.
The "Childish bigot."
The Childish bigot is usually not even a real conspiracy theorist, just a lout who is often far too lazy, ignorant and uneducated to do
any investigation for themselves (as it will no doubt disprove their prejudice) so they take the quick easy option of ignoring any real
readily available facts and just regurgitate and plagiarize the same old drivel the Intellectual/revisionist bigot and others of a like
mind come up with and as could be imagined, both tend to be deeply narcissistic and aggressively arrogant.
In short bigots are usually little more than predictable one-trick ponies, obnoxious oafs or pseudointellectual frauds lacking even
basic common sense and empathy and all are of course, immature moral pygmies.
5: The poor lonely immature attention seeking basement warrior who has nothing better to do and craves any sort human contact
and/or validation for their sad and unfulfilled life.
6: The "Troll or Opportunist/Hobbyist."
This guy is not a genuine conspiracy theorist but an opportunistic mischief maker
who just likes to make multiple posts on multiple websites using their multiple accounts within an hour or two
of an event happening purely for their own amusement.
He is the lowest of the low because unlike the bigot or lunatic who may actually believe in that they say, the Troll
has no integrity whatsoever.
7: The conspiracy "Enthusiast."
A bit or all of the above I'm afraid and like most of the above will have numerous accounts and personas all over the
net and will blindly believe and slavishly disseminate, embellish and vigorously defend everything that
comes their way no matter what!
8: The Troll farmer, these guys and galls are
merely in the employ of government, business or religious groups
etc to spread
propaganda and/or disinformation on what ever is required.
Have I missed any? Quite probably and a
telling feature of all conspiracy theorists no matter who they are or what they
is the commonly used phrase, "I cant say to much/anything now..." often in hushed, "I might be in danger if I do" tones when they
run out of material.
It's always important to be skeptical and keep an open mind about things but never to the point that your brains fall out.
The internet is not only the perfect habitat for confirmation bias but it's also the natural home of the all encompassing,
great sweeping statement!
"All Moslems" are terrorists, "ALL Catholic priests" are pedophiles, "ALL Jews" control "ALL" the worlds media and "ALL" the worlds financial institutions etc, etc etc!
Of course to criticize or point out any short comings or superficiality of such statements made in forums etc or to ask for solid proof of their veracity is a total waste of time; The fact is the loonie, true believer and bigot are incapable of accepting anything other than what validates their belefes and the Trolls simply never want to loose face, docent care or is only seeking attention in the first place.
Though the conspiracy theorist's/fantasist's/enthusiasts core belefes are often inherently flawed, some, that are a little more intelligent, imaginative and cunning will have well thought out replies to give substance to their claims and all will vigorously label you as a willingly ignorant member of the "Sheeple" who should "open your eyes" or a "Shill" of a villainous government, religion, deep state
or big business by these brave, intellectually superior and all knowing guardians and revellers of "The Truth" who will also claim to be completely unbiased, open minded critical thinkers; this is usually stated in an attempt to somehow justify or excuse their claims and all have a fondness for Memes, the internet equivalent of poking your tongue out and blowing a raspberry and just about as articulate, it is the only wordplay and retort available to these immature dullards they are capable of!
Rewriting history to suit an individuals prejudice or social objectives is a perfect example of confirmation bias and a fairly modern phenomena; a well worn phrase often used by neo-Nazis, Holocaust deniers, WW2 revisionists and Hitler/Starlin/Mao etc fans and apologists and more recently social justice warriors is that, "history is written by the victors." Yes agreed, to an extent, but the fact
that events are often reported and corroborated by numerous different sources and first hand whiteness from both sides at the time seems to escape our devout theorist and bigot.
Rewriting history without solid scholarly peer-reviewed evidence must be challenged at every turn!
I would truly love to see some of these conspiracy, bigoted, false and Troll news merchants be made to justify their claims or
face heavy penalty's for their mischief, this would sift the wheat from the chaff very quickly, on the other hand the genuine whistle blower must be protected at all costs.
Freedom of speech must be encouraged and defended at all cost but freedom to deceive must not!
On a side note I feel that with the challenging and steady decline of religious belief (not altogether a bad thing) in the world and the ridiculous war on science that has emerged in recent years not to mention and the notion that almost all history has been tainted and the "Truth" altered or obliterated in some way has spawned an almost pathological adherence to one conspiracy theory/fantasy or another and is rapidly becoming a new religion in itself with it's own clergy, holy books, scholarly works and usually containing just as much irrational intolerance, dogma, stupidity and bigotry as any faith you care to name.
The other major problem with the devout seeker of "The Truth" is that if they cant find what they are looking for will all to often just make up "facts" to embellish and/or fit in with their conspiracy narrative and can sometimes even produce flashy high quality (and not so high quality) PC documentary's and publications etc to enhance the veracity of their false claims and in very short order these "conspiracy fantasy's" will rapidly become "The Truth" and so believed and doggedly defend as such.
A perfect example of a conspiracy fantasy persistently defended as fact is the notorious anti-Semitic hoax, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, first exposed and debunked as a heavily plagiarized literary fraud as early as 1921. (Of course any good conspiracy theorist/bigot will readily claim Jews control ALL media and therefore ALL history and seem to be ALL endowed with the same mysterious ability (Hive brain?) that enables them ALL to plot together to be involved in the same evil plans ALL at the same time throughout ALL of history; Remarkable, surly you would think they would have taken over by now?!)
You can also throw in for good measure, the anti-vaccination movement, NASAs faked the Moon landing the Kennedy assassination (there are well over 30 theory's and has become an industry in itself) Area 51, Roswell and UFOs, Elvis faked his own death, Paul McCartney is actually dead, all the works of Shakespeare were not written by Shakespeare, the Covid pandemic was invented by the Jews to reduce the worlds population of non-Jews and many many others.
The fun just never stops and it's all one big conspiracy of stupidity for the most part!
Though there are defiantly shills (some paid some not) who try to spin, shape and skew public opinion in the media, sometimes, just sometimes, things actually happened precisely in the way they were reported by the mane stream, hard to believe I know (particularly when they constantly embellish, hype and spin the truth in their eternal quest for increased ratings, circulation and advertising revenue) but it still happens far more often than you might think and the guy who claims to know the "The real Truth" is all to
often one of the mischief makers mentioned earlier.
I believe a good workable conspiracy plan must have the following to have any real chance of success,
1: Very few people involved, just barely enough to get the job done and maintain secrecy. (This is just about impossible because someone will always spill the beans at some point either through carelessness or a fit of conscience, I mean if the president of the United States of America cant enjoy a nice quiet little blow job in the privacy of the oval office bathroom then what hope do conspirators have who are trying to take over the world?!)
2: The people involved will be dedicated to the conspiracy and/or have a vested interest in it's success and will benefit or see a benefit from their actions. (Political, religious, social or financial etc)
3: The people involved will willingly remain silent and protect each other and the conspiracy because of the above. (The threat of physical violence against a participant or their family etc is very risky to the conspirators and no guarantee of silence.)
4: The mechanics of the conspiracy must be as simple as possible and above all, subtle...
When a real conspiracy comes to the surface questions of it's authenticity will all ways arises. Now depending on who is exposing it and how it is being presented and is there any apparent ulterior motive behind the whistle being blown will all be vital to it's acceptance by the media and public as truth.
Presentation is all important; If the story is presented in a "tabloid," hysterical or bigoted manner, blaming one or more religious, political or social groups or appears to be the ranting of a Looney, even if it's 100% true, it will rarely be accepted by those who
could possibly do something about it.
Depending what the conspiracy is about, the main stream can be the most believable and accurate though not always as this will depend on the event and whether or not it affects the government, business and/or society in some adverse way or is contra to the particular predisposition of the media owner so they will sometimes even present advertising, biased editorial and "alternative facts" disguised as news... Criminal in my book!
This is where the "Fact checkers" efforts at keeping the media and politicians etc on their toes are worth their weight in gold and their work must be protected, supported and encouraged!
Alternative media can be the most truthful and objective though it is often considered the most unreliable and unlike the main stream it has little or no accountability for what it produce's and is infested with the aforementioned conspiracy theorists and unfortunately is often an offshoot of the mainstream and is sometimes owned, funded and controlled (at arms length) by the same big media company's.
Regrettably truly independent, accurate and unbiased fact checked journalism is very hard to come buy now days and it never ceases to amaze me how eager and desperate some people are to believe in any sort of convoluted and outlandish conspiracy theory without question no matter how tenuous the evidence may be but will have grave doubts about something that was simpleton explain.
Now you might think after reading this I am totally anti conspiracy theory, not so as many an outlandish theory could well become or is a fact; I am however against ignorant bigots, mental defectives and trolls who continuously muddy the waters with their incessant rubbish and hinder us from getting to the bottom of events that may well need to be exposed and investigated.
For better or worse the internet gives voice to EVERYONE; You, me, mum, dad the kids the local school and boles club the government and big business, the religious and/or political Zealot and nutcase, the racist, bigot, mental defective and semi-literate
who would otherwise be totally ignored by normal people that wouldn't even bother to piss on if them if they were on fire...
Anybody can be on social media or make a Blog or website and post whatever they like and it can be as nonsensical, bigoted, ranting and as far fetched as you like and rest assured there will be someone who will believe every word of it as solid fact and doggedly
defend and add to it as well...
You know, when we look at society and the dramatic events happening around us today, most of the time it's just the way the world turns, no deep conspiracies or "dark evil forces" are necessary to screw things up, "shit-just-happens!"
My advice for what its worth, don't believe everything you read even if you strongly agree with it, keep an open mind (but not to the point that your brains fall out) and take everything with a good healthy cynical grain of salt and understand that one kind of shit or another will always happen no matter what and someone will always try to take advantage of it.
If something doesn't affect you, try not to worry about it and if it does, then don't be a basement or keyboard worrier, get of your ass and do something meaningful! In other words, sit back, never take things too seriously, and enjoy the rid.
And that's "The Truth!"
Now days everyone seems to know "the truth"
with the exception it seems of those who
where actually involved...
would contend if you want to make million dollars now days, invent a
new conspiracy theory or give an old one a makeover! -RPG
Carbon is the slut
of the periodic table.
It will bond with everything.
Just look it up.
For fuck sake guys harden up!
It's just some fruitcake in a homemade Halloween costume!
The smaller the intellect, the bigger the ego!
An interesting fact.
Most phobias only effect the individual that suffer from them and their family and friends,
but one particular phobia can affect a business and its bottom line...
Globophobia is a fear of balloons and Phonophobia is a fear of them bursting, also a
fear of loud noises in general.
I worked in advertising and media for many years and always advised my clients who were about to have a promotion etc to decorate their business with anything except balloons. (The foil or fake ones don't seem to be as much of a problem but are more expensive.)
There are many people (more than you may think) who will just not enter a premises, attend a party
or even enter a room if there are balloons present...
This may seem strange and even irrelevant, "So what" you may say, "Who cares about a few kooks who are frightened by bawooons!" Maybe, but if you are having a sale and want as many people as possible coming through the door and handing over their cash it makes sound business sense.
Fifty balloons may not be worth very much but they could stop you from making hundreds or even thousands
of extra dollars during the course of the event and this can have a major impact on your bottom line!
For thousands of years Religion has
served a purpose, to put the
"fear" of God into people, and to make them submissive and obedient to their rulers.
Yes it has instilled a good set of morals that have, for the most part, allowed people to live side by side without stealing, killing or raping each other but, in the modern world, religion has become redundant and even ridiculous to the more free thinking, tolerant and advanced societies.
I'm not saying there isn't a God, but if there is and it created us and loves us and gave us free will, then it sure as fuck wouldn't have done so just to be worshipped!
If life is a gift, and should be lived without fear.
For your information.
The Brazilian Wandering Spider are mainly active during the night, and walk across the jungle floor. But during the day they hide inside banana plants hence the nickname 'banana spider'.
They are also one of the most deadly spiders in the world whose venom can not
only kill you, but it can give a man a four-hour erection and is also
known as the "Daddy Long Schlong"
"If you don't vote Green when your 19 you don't have a heart.
If your still voting Green by the time your 29, you don't have a brain!
Religion demands unquestioning faith.
Unquestioning faith by it's very essence requires the negation of reason.
Therefore, it is fair to say that religion is intellectual slavery
and only a fool or a simpleton would willingly want to be enslaved...
"When governments fear the people, there
When the people fear the government, there is tyranny."
How better a way to maintain liberty than with pragmatic laws divorced from politics, ensuring responsible, sensibly enforced Firearm ownership.
The world is run by assholes,
because only assholes would want too run the world and after
all, politicians are not made, they are excreted!
There is nothing wrong with patriotism,
just as long as it's not blind, unquestioning patriotism...
L. Ron Hubbard the founder of Scientology once said,
"If you want to make a million dollars, invent a new religion." *
*"I make fun of all religions, except
I'll make more fun of Scientology when I get better lawyers..." -Doug Stanhope
"Scientology is to crazy, even for me!" -
would also contend if you want to make million dollars now days, invent a
new conspiracy theory or give an old one a makeover! -RPG
A wet dream is just a hand-job from an angel...
So God Made A Dog.
And on the 9th Day God looked down on his wide eyed children and said they need a companion.
So God made a Dog.
God said I need somebody to wake up and give kisses, pee on a tree, sleep all day, wake up again, give more kisses,
and then stay up till midnight basking in the glow of the television set.
So God made a Dog.
God said I need somebody willing to sit, then stay, then roll over then with no ego or complaint dress in hats they do not need and costumes they do not understand. I need somebody who can break wind without a first thought or second thought. Who can chase tails, sniff crotches, fetch sticks and lift spirits with a lick. Somebody no matter what you didn’t do, or couldn’t take,
or didn’t win, or couldn’t make will love you without judgment just the same.
So God made a Dog.
God said I need somebody strong enough to pull sleds and find bombs, yet gentle enough to love babies and lead the blind. Somebody who will spend all day on a couch with the resting head and supportive eyes to lift the spirits of a broken heart.
So God made a Dog.
It had to be somebody who would remain patient and loyal even thru loneliness. Somebody to care, cuddle, snuggle and nuzzle, and cheer and charm and snore and slobber and eat the trash and chase the squirrels. Somebody who would bring a family together with selflessness of an open heart. Somebody who would bark, and then pant, and then reply with the rapid
wag of tail when their best friend says lets go for a ride in the car.
So God made a Dog.
God said I need somebody who would stand at your side when the world around you collapses. Somebody to lie next to you during the long nights of pain and sorrow when it hurts to move, or talk, or think, or just be. Somebody to stand guard,
play games, snore for hours, and repeat as needed. Somebody to give you strength when you have none of your own.
Somebody to fight when you have no fight left, to hold onto your soul as if it were their favorite toy, playing tug of war to
keep you in this world. Somebody to be your companion and guide in this world and the next.
Somebody to wait for you on the other side or stand guard in your absence until they can join you for evermore.
So God made a Dog.
If you need to trick people into hearing the word of the lord, then the
word of the lord isn't worth hearing in the first place!
"So there I was, 1943, upside down at 38.000 feet over Berlin with only the makers name
showing on the gauges, two donks gone the tail section aflame and the navigator
trying to take star-shots from the bomb-bay...!"
To all you cop haters out there.
If you won't make friends with police,
then you had better make friends
with the criminals...
Why I voted
"We know what's best for you plebs!"
"Nous sommes Charlie Hebdo!"
This prick works one day a year then spends
the rest of his time judging you!
Given half a chance, all the religions of
the would lead
humanity to a glittering new, 12th century...
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.
After all, he did kill Hitler...
I don't like jingoism but,
if you're going to burn the Australian flag,
please wrap yourself up in it first...
What's the difference between a "slut" and a "bitch."
A slut will have sex with everybody.
A bitch is a slut that will have sex with everybody, except me!
Reality is overrated!
Make it or take it, use it or lose it, just
whine because it's not given to you!
My advice to my son's.
And then Sister Mary Joseph stumbled
across something called, "Two girls, one cup..?"
Despite his severe appearance, Rocco was a soulful
violinist and much sought after hand model.
The only way to defeat political correctness once and for
all is to ignore it and it's advocates!
No matter what is said or done there will always be some wanker out
there who will be deeply offended or traumatized no matter
how innocuous it my be to the rest of us...
Anybody that believes that banning
one firearm or another or cracking down on
legal firearms ownership will magically stop
gun crime is ether a mental defective
a cynical hypocrite who puts their dogma
ahead of common sense and reality, or a Green!
Number 9 - Death is the number one killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6- Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1- Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
...and as someone recently said to me:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
No matter who you are, no matter what you
black or white, brown or yellow, educated or not, the moment
you open your mouth, "Profiles" you...
“If every trace of every single religion were wiped out and nothing were passed on,
it would never be created exactly that way again.
There might be some other nonsense in its place, but not that exact nonsense.
If all of science were wiped out, it would still be true and someone
would find a way to figure it all out again.”― Penn Jillette
Science is real, religion is fantasy!
All quit simple really.- RPG
Most of life's little problems can be solved by
the correct application of lubricant, blunt force or
just the right amount of high explosive...
Some thoughts to ponder.
CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF
WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
the twilight years...
Australian party politics simplified.
Put the well being of the economy ahead of the wellbeing of the people.
Put the well being of the people ahead of the wellbeing of the economy.
Put their dogma ahead of the well being of the people and the economy.
As well as logic, reason and common bloody sense!
One very important speck.
Carl Sagan once referred to the Earth as "where we make our stand."
And when seen by NASA's Mars rover Curiosity spacecraft, across the vast expanse
of space, that pale, little blue dot he described suddenly makes sense.
It's our home -- but it's just one tiny speck barely visible in the infinite reach of space.
Earth as seen from the surface of Mars.
I went to a fantastic new Korean restaurant last
and let me tell you, the meatballs were the Dogs bollocks!
Things you just don't want to hear.
From your Navman.
"So where the fuck are we!?"
From the Surgeon as you begin to go under.
"Accept this sacrifice oh mighty Satan!"
At your first swingers party.
"Son, is that you?!"
From your girlfriend.
"I'm pregnant and I think it's yours..."
From your Mother.
"I'm pregnant and I think it's yours..."
From the "Crazy girl" you had the one-night stand
"Ill never leave you. Ill love you, forever!"
ETC! ETC! ETC!
I'm an incredible lover,
I can have sex any time she wants!
The problem with the saying,
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,"
is that you might not like the things I like to do...
Australian politics simplified.
The Liberals get into power, create a surplus become
fascist ass-holes, fight among themselves and we throw them out.
Labour gets into power, spend the surplus become
bungling ass-holes, fight among themselves and we throw them out.
The Liberals get into power, create a
fascist ass-holes, fight among themselves and we throw them out.
Labour gets into power, spend the surplus become
bungling ass-holes, fight among themselves and we throw them out.
ETC! ETC! ETC!
The president of the USA is referred to
"The leader of the free world."
Funny, I don't remember voting for him!
Michael has, issues...
Blessed are we who can
laugh at ourselves...
for we shall never cease to be amused.
I've come to the conclusion the NSW Blues are the "Washington Generals" of rugby league!
FINNISH M65 NBC SUITS
Unissued Great for Fishing, hunting, camping or just keep one in the car
for the unexpected...
Very collectable, about 1980s vintage. This enchanting ensemble will keep you fashionably dry and warm during the most torrential toxic downpours. Be the envy of your mutating friends, the centre of attention in all the trendiest fallout shelters, or you could just walk around your local shopping centre with a bull horn shouting, "Please do not be alarmed, remain calm, there is no need for panic....!"
The material is light, tough and resilient. It come with separate over gloves and boots, pants and jacket, one size fits all, very limited stock. Helmet, gasmask and son not included. SOLD OUT
Bullwinkle always was
a bit of a dill!
Spot the millionaire!
If you cant win by cheating,
win by cheating MORE!!!!
Teenagers are motivated
only three things, sex, Twitter and Face Book!
The UN is good only for one thing.
Keeping score of the dead in wars they cannot or
will not try to stop!
How to really upset your kids.
Tell them they were a experiment that turned into an accident!
Its taken me 60 years, but I finally
worked out why I'm a devout agnostic.
If you could bring back the men who wrote
all the "Holy" books
throughout history, how well would they fit into our world,
and how well would we fit into there's...?
If these books really were the true and absolute word of the God
how come there all completely different, shouldn't they all say
exactly the same thing only in assorted languages...
Rodney has, issues...
I like God, Its just his cheer squad
that gives me the shits!!!
Hit man of the year!
The riot had been raging for hours with no one yielding
ground till someone on the hill shouted,
"Just go around em ya dumb shits!!"
Though widely acclaimed as a master musician and national treasure,
Mr Watanabe was equally renowned as being as ugly as a hat full of Ass-holes.
Why I voted
"We know what's best for the plebs!"
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a
street in Rome.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money
into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by so he stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar
who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't
going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.
In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the
beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look at who's
trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Speaking as a Rugby coach of twelve years...
Despite what the media might have us think,
"Cockiness" is not a virtue nor
a guarantee of success.
Mr Magnusson, his coach and
supporters should take note!
In the battles I go through life,
I ask for a chance that's fair,
A chance to lengthen my stride,
A chance to do or dare.
If I should win,
Let it be by the code,
Courage and Honour held high.
If I should lose,
I'll stand by the road,
And cheer as the winners go by,
Day by Day, I get better and better,
Till I can't be beat!
Won't be beat!
And if I am, so be it.
For I shall rise again...
Please protect us from those
who believe in you too much...
Atheism is a non-prophet organization...
Skin is sin
and sin is in!
"And then Private Jones turned around..."
We are the lucky country, we just don't know it!
When you look at the World today with austerity and instability on all the cotenants,
it's comforting to know that our worst government in years is still
out performing other countries best!!!
All new from Nintendo.
I bet he thought this little pic
wouldn't end up on the internet!
I have huge respect for solders and what galls me most is that
there fate is dictated by politicians...
I feel that unfortunately, within a year of the US, Australian and NATO troops returning home the Taliban will take over Kabul and within another year they and Al Qaeda will be in complete control of Afghanistan and (to prove a point) launch another attack on the US mainland, and all the sacrifice will be for naught!
God I hope I'm wrong!!!!!
Surely the ultimate in vanity and conceit is
shouting your own name during sex!
During masturbation, it's just weird!
If Pro-Gunners are as violent as the Anti-Gunners say we are,
then logic dictates there wouldn't be any anti-gunners left...
Trooper Herman "Bluto" Pock,
of the 12th Hussars.
The 12th earned the unfortunate epithet of,
"The bearded Bulldog buggering bastards of Bonn!"
after some regrettable post maneuver's celebrations
got out of hand in the spring of 1911...
Bambi's Mum is back
and she is pissed off!
The following was e-mailed to me by "Irene"
Thank you for the best laugh I have had for the past hour by reading the link to your joke page.
I have added my contribution as an attachment and hope it raises a chuckle.
It is my experience at my local gun club at aged 80 and in a wheelchair.
The Granny Rap.
(Backing group – The Senior Moments.)
(Transport – Courtesy of The Wheelchair Whackers.)
I ‘m past my prime and my ‘use by’ date
So decided to exit while tempting fate.
I wanted to learn how to use a gun
As it might prove useful and lots of fun.
“ I’m an Octogenarian with attitude”.
I moseyed along to a club at Myponga
At Lawless Lane way out in the Donga.
While firing a gun at the target I found
My bullets made holes in that big round mound
“ I’m an Octogenarian with attitude”.
Those guns are comprised of myriad bits
I just can’t remember where all the bits fit
It was just as well I had supervision
Or I might have shot the new television.
“ I’m an Octogenarian with attitude”.
I Googled those guns in a flash on the net
So that breeches and slides I wouldn’t forget
My dreams are now filled with Glocks and Sig-Sauers
And my eyes are dark circled by long weary hours.
“ I’m an Octogenarian with attitude”.
There’s a stock of gun parts in Cyber Space
That’s the ones that I lost with never a trace
I’ve got one last request before I die
A ten shot group in the Black Bull’s Eye.
“I’m an Octogenarian with attitude”.
And when I finally get to Heaven
And received my AK 47
With a word in their ear
And nothing to fear
I’ll request sniper duties by next New Year.
I’ve been shooting now for almost a year
And was nearly thrown out on my delicate ear
I committed the ultimate cardinal sin
When I turned my pistol pointing in
And received a Right Royal Bollokin’
I’m now surrounded by macho males
And listen with awe as they spin tall tales
And when the shooting is done for the day
With a’ burgher and beer they sit in the sun
Then lean on the bar ‘til half past one
I finally reached the ultimate prize
My favourite target with two bull’s eyes
To repeat this feat would be very nice
So I’m saving my cash on some secret advice
For bullets that come with a homing device
Think of the kudos I’ll get right then
When all of my bullets land smack in the ten
I’ll blow on the tip of my gun like a pro
While hiding a grin from the gob-smacked men
Then write ‘perfect score’ with my favourite pen
How did that old woman get out of her chair
And shoot that big hole in that target there?
Crack shots don’t arise from old, infirm folk!
Puzzled they chewed like a dog with a bone
I smiled to myself as I reached for the ‘phone
And doubled my order for ‘magic cone’
I think I’ll shoot ‘til I’m ninety-three
By then my bullets should all come free?
But I might wake up and suddenly find
Along the way I had lost my mind
Think what a boon for the folks that would be
More and more women are joining the club
And even more men have escaped to the pub
The last male bastion has been invaded
With female perfume the air’s pervaded
Now men form a scowl when they hand in their subs
I’ve had a go at the shotguns and clays
But can’t make my eyes look in two different ways
By the time I’ve found the shell number one
The blast’s knocked me down on my proverbial bum
And lowest score buys the beer on the day
When my Gopher sails past with two guns in the basket
I much prefer that to a big wooden casket
I’ve never been asked to pay speeding fines
But when offered a ride the folks all decline
They remember a hole in the plaster ‘mid total disaster
It’s time for me to get on my way
And pack my bags for the final stay
I often look back on my life as it was
And I’d not change a deed not even a cause
I can laugh at all the mistakes I have made
But it’s too late now, for my escapades
Beware the folks that camp out at night
‘Cause I might pop out and give you a fright
When my ghost can be found
With a leash on a hound
It’s just Baron and me doing our rounds.
You know your a sick puppy when you get turned on by
the thought of being swatted over the nose with a newspaper...
I'd kill to win a
Nobel Peace Prize!
Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen.
Comet and Cupid, Donder and Blitsen.
But don't ask him about Brian ok...
♫♪Jinkl bels, jinkl bels
jinkl ol zer vay!♪♫
Jerry was always a conservative yet fashionable dresser,
but some times he just liked to let go!
What we'd all like
at least once of our lives!
"Now you've been very
Sometimes you need to be a
complete Bastard to be a good parent!
Concerning the death of Gaddafi.
There seems to have been a great deal of commotion in
some quarters about how he met his grizzly end.
I put it to you, how do you have a bloodless revolution against a tyrant?
How do you have a "politically correct" armed insurgency?
There must be the rule of law in any civilized society, but this must
come after the dictators throat has been slit and he is hanging
by his feet from a lamp post!
Never mess with old men,
they didn't get old by being stupid...
Who would you prefer running your country?
A Womanizing pill popper?
A hard working early riser, dedicated to the cause?
In other words,
Churchill, JFK or Hitler...
Only months away from his regimes fall, Moammar Gaddafi
enjoys a light hearted moment with reporters.
I visited Grandma the other day,
she gave me $5 and said
"Now don't tell mum and dad dear."
"Granny, it's going to cost you a whole lot more than that...!"
"Sugar and spice and every thing nice that's what
little girls are made of..."
Bottle-Rockets, teenage boys and a video camera.
It's a winning combination!
Though in his mid 50s and
a successful Lawyer, Ernest had always
harbored the desire to be known as Rumpleforeskin.
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!"
"You know, if Camilla weren't here. Bang...!"
Despite what the politically correct might bleat, Australia is not a bigoted country!
I feel the average Aussie doesn't care where you came from,
what colour your skin is, if you're gay or lesbian or other or what religion or
politics you follow, just as long as your not a bloody asshole about it all!
Given the opportunity the Greens would boldly
lead our country forward into a bright
new glittering stone age!
"The Boys Are back In town!"
Dateline Moscow: The excitement was palpable at the Bolshoi Theatre today when it was announced that
two of its favourite sons, Rudolf Nureyev and Mikhail Baryshnikov were in final rehearsals
and will soon be making there triumphant return to the Moscow stage!
"I'm overjoyed to be back!" gushed a beaming Baryshnikov.
"News of my death have been a little exaggerated, I've never felt better!" quipped
the some times tempestuous Nureyev.
The boys will be performing as Principal Dancers in Vatslav Nizhinskiys 1913 masterpiece, "The Rite of Spring."
Plans are afoot for an international tour!
Date line New Delhi: And in the spirit of fair play those sentenced to death by
firing squad are now permitted to return fire for as long as they can.
Gods not in just at the moment.
May I be of some assistance?
The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location
but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange Between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747
(call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
With thanks to Josh.
When all else fails a swift kick to
the Jats Crackers is always effective!
Though in his mid forties Hernando
still enjoyed playing dress ups...
Chairman Bob of RPG Estate Firearms.
Gun dealer, shooter, collector and totally Dyslexic!
Michael Jacksons death a sham!
The king of pop seen alive
and well at Woollies!
I'm not being neurotic,
the paranoids really are after me!
And at that very moment, Jea'n Louie finally remembered
where he'd left the keys to the getaway car...
"You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!"
It's all perfectly simple really.
Video games ruined my life!
It's a good thing I have two more lives!
A chilling thought.
What do we do if Superman
decides to rape and kill us all...
Not joking this time but some important info.
It only takes a minute to read this and you may save a life one day.
IDENTIFYING A STROKE.
During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) ....she said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.
They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up,
she went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.
Her husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 pm and had passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps she would be with us today.
Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.
If a neurologist can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours there's very good chance
he can totally reverse the effects of the stroke.
The trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically
cared for within 3 hours, which can tough.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a
stroke by asking four simple questions:
1: Ask the individual to smile.
2: Ask the individual stick out there tongue.
(If the tongue or smile is 'crooked', or if it goes to one side or the other it can be a indication of a stroke.)
3: Ask the person to talk and say a simple sentence (Coherently)
4: Ask him or her to raise both arms.
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
Rusty's last stand!
A Lost History:
"With AT-ATs to the Reich"
Inspection before Barbarossa. On maneuvers, SS-Hauptsturmfuhrer Wittman
labors with poor communication.
Unknown to many historians, the Nazis and there fellow Axis
had close but highly secretive ties with the Galactic empire of the despotic Emperor Palpatine.
Here for instance we see the only three known surviving photographs from WW2 of Imperial AT-ATs (All Terrain Armored Transport) that are known to exist.
The empire loaned the Wehrmacht 50 of the vehicles plus there five man (Clown) crews and 1000 ground troops on the understanding that once the war was over the Fuhrer would send 100 of his best soldiers to enhance the gene pool and training of the imperial troopers. (In later years human mercenaries from many nations were highly regarded and feared through out the galaxy, though this is a story for another time.)
To say this brief alliance was a disaster is an understatement!
SS-Hauptsturmfuhrer Michael Wittman, arguably Germany's Best Tank Commander of WWII, was not impressed from the start...
"When I first saw the thing (AT-AT) all I could think of was, my God, it's too big (25 meters tall) it will be seen for miles around, why don't we just paint a damned bullseye on the side and have done with it!"
The Hauptsturmfuhrers words were indeed prophetic, for when battle was joined with the meager Soviet forces in the early days of operation Barbarossa the vulnerabilities and other
short comings of the imperial walkers became glaringly evident.
Though the AT-AT was an imposing and spectacular sight on the battlefield its lack of compatible communications, speed, mobility, armaments and most
importantly it's lack of effective armour was it's Achilles heel, it was all too easily out outmaneuvered and out gunned by even the lightest of Russian fighting vehicles.
The main problem lay in it's total lack of protection against armour-piercing and high explisiv shells of almost any caliber!
The imperials had designed the defenses of all there combat vehicles and personal body armour around the affects of "energy" weapons
(particle beam, laser, pulse etc) and this it apparently could do very well indeed, however, against "primitive" societies using "primitive" projectile weapons
the AT-AT proved all to horribly vulnerable as Grenadier sergeant Alfred Gunther explains.
"We're sitting in the troop compartment of this "Sardine tin," when all of a sudden we were raked by a heavy Ruski MG somewhere out on the left flank, the bullets tore through the paper thin sides and
went ricocheting around the compartment like a swarm of angry hornets, of the thirty men onboard only eight got away unscathed, Christ we hated them, it was safer to trudge
behind the rotten things than ride in them!"
After the initial shock wore off, the Soviet anti-tank gunners and tank crews looked forward to a little, "Elephant hunting" as they unimaginatively called it.
Communication was the other big hurdle that had to be overcome and this was only partially achieved.
Alfred Gunther again, "We had radio, they had something else, God knows what! We spoke German they didn't, if we were trying to coordinate an attack on a village all we could do was point madly
and shout Bang!-Bang! Yes, the imperial troops were well disciplined, brave and aggressive there weapons were effective and terribly "colorful and pretty" to watch going off, though
they never seemed to hit much with them, this and the lack of clear communications made the whole thing laughable!"
Hauptsturmfuhrer Wittman also wrestled with poor communication. "Much to my horror I was put in command of an AT-AT. It's imperial crew, despite the language barrier, were enthusiastic and obviously well trained and it was easy to teach them the meaning of, forward, reveres, left, right etc but the main problem was that they all seemed to be conditioned to wear there combat helmets at all times except when told to stand down by there superior imperial officers. Now I was not issued with a compatible coms system so how on earth was I supposed to issue orders to my crew in the heat of battle? My solution was simplistic.
My makeshift position in the vehicle was perched above and directly behind the driver who sits on the right the engineer/co-driver on the left and the commander/gunner in the centre, if I wanted to go forward I would tap the back of the drivers helmet with my boot, once for forward twice for stop three times for reverse, and a tap on the right or left shoulder for my desired direction. As for the gunner all I could do is fire a
stream of tracer from my MG (we were not permitted to use there weapons...) at the desired target and the gunner would fire the main armament, it was crude but still effective after a
fashion but still no way to fight a war!"
The weaponry of the AT-AT, though being effective against personnel and other soft targets, had little or no real affect on the more heavily armored Soviet tanks the "charge" being dissipated on contact
with the thick steel hull. However if an bolt hit an open view port directly the resultant plasma blast would prove decisive!
Though it was a true all terrain vehicle it could be stymied by simple barbed wire entanglements that were laid in depth, couple this with it's inability to turn quickly to engage flanking targets, the overly
high and simplistic slab sided design and the inability to withstand all but small arms fire added to it's hopples vulnerability.
Unaware of the true origin of this lumbering and seemingly inept enemy, General Georgy Zhukov wondered allowed if, "The fascist designers have been drinking a little too much Schnapps or are trying
to be too clever or for there tank men's good!"
After it's disastrous debut during operation Barbarossa (37 of the original 50 AT-ATs being destroyed in the opening few days) it was relegated to transporting supplies and troops but they too became
easy targets for marauding IL-2 Sturmoviks and other attack aircraft of the resurgent Soviet forces latter in the war and all were ultimately destroyed.
Many have wondered why Emperor Palpatine didn't try to invade Earth, the answer must lie in the performance (or total lack of) of there "superior weaponry."
To design and produce weapons to subjugate the inhabitants of just one "primitive" world, who would have no doubt put aside there differences and allied together to fight the invaders, must have
been a daunting prospect even for the power mad and expansionist Emperor Palpatine...
To put it in a nut shell, I quote one of Germanys great tank and motor vehicle designers, Ferdinand Porsche,
"These men from the stars may know everything about crossing the cosmos, but they know nothing about building a half decent Panzer!"
Out gunned and out classed,
a defeated AT-AT!
Despite being well armed and highly motivated the Wehrmacht still suffered greatly from
a lack of proper Winter clothing during there Russian campaign of 1941-43
And now for some
Thank you for
I'm sure he was very brave and a fine soldier,
but he's still wearing a dress!
A recessive Gene in action!
Life is natures way of keeping meat fresh
and death is natures way of telling
you you've reached your expiration date...
Diary of a Great White Shark.
|Kill something and eat it.||Kill something and eat it.||
and eat it.
and eat it.
and eat it.
Date with Toddy 6.30 (Remember, don't let him get
to second base
and eat it.
Net ball at 9.15
Watch Tod play footy 12.30
Party at Shazzes! 7.30 Woo-Hoo!
Lunch at nannas 12.45
We'll Kill something and eat it.
Now, whooo's it going to beee...?
Religion is like a penis.
Its fine to have one.
Its great to be proud of it.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around
and stop trying to shove it down our children's throats!
"Ok chaps, lets take a look at plan B..."
Ban Hamsters packe'n heat!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
"This is my Penis!
There are many other Blue-Veined One Eyed Wonder Weasels like it,
but this Hard Spit'n Meat Maelstrom is mine!
My Ankle Spanker is my best friend. It is my life.
I must master it as I must master my life.
Pope John Pole III, without me is useless.
Without Count Longshlong von Junket Pump, I am useless.
I must fire my Purple-Helmeted Yogurt Thrower true.
I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me.
Capitan James T. Cock and myself know that what counts in war is not the rounds we fire,
the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make.
We know that it is the splooge that count.
We will splooge!
My Cock-Throb'n Tally Whacker is human, even as I, because it is my life.
Thus I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths,
its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel.
I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage.
I will keep Ralph The Fur Faced Chicken clean and ready,
even as I am clean and ready.
We will become part of each other. We will!
Before God I swear this creed.
Mr Cocka-sore-ass Rex and myself are the defenders of my country.
We are the masters of our enemy.
We are the saviours of my life.
So be it, until there is no enemy, but Peace!"
With my deepest apologies and respect to the U.S. Marine Corps.
THIS IS ART!
you are now cultured!
The only true wilderness around now days
is between a GREENS ears...
Ok, my 14 year old son comes up to me and says,
"Dad, I had a really lucid dream last night.
I dreamed I was a happy little Chicken schnitzel
roasting in an oven..."
Jesus H, tap-dancing Christ on a bike!
WHAT HAVE I SPAWNED!
"Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Shizer!"
What a government says they will do,
what they set out to do
and what they ultimately achieve are always three
completely different things!
Unknown to many historians the Fuhrer, in his formative years,
did the Berlin cabaret circuit as a blue grass musician
under the stage name, "Willy Hitler."
at the city to surf!
the twilight years.
"A small body of determined spirits, fired
by an unquenchable
faith in their mission, can alter the course of history!"
"It also it helps if you have a
great big fucking gun!"
You know things have gotten pretty bad when not even
you're imaginary girlfriend will have sex with you!
Hitler, the original
"Wild and Craaaazy" guy!
Insert Kiwi joke here;_____________
"Got In Himmel! Der bitch
must haf forlen off bak in Dooseldorf!"
Tinkerbell gone bad!
Well it was all ways going to be a difficult marriage to organize from the start,
what with the Groom to be behind bars and all, but as Nia's mum said,
"He's worth waiting for dear because he had the common courtesy to say please and
that's the sign of a true gentleman!"
But it was not to be...
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV
program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his good lady and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She turned to him and replied:
"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
You're all just jealous because the
little voices only talk to ME...!
Ashanti Circumcision Knife.
Second half of the 19th century. 9 1/2" total length. Forged iron blade with scalloped tip,
decorated with a band of addorsed crescents along the back and leading edge.
The butt terminal as two double loops, each suspending a cast brass crotal bell.
Grip of two wood scales, with brass band terminals and mixed brass wire wrap.
Fine uniform patina. The blade with scattered old pitting speckles on glossy
chocolate brown ground.
The decoration has old encrustation from use...
As with most African cultures, circumcision was a right of passage performed
on young pubescent boys thus ushering them into manhood.
♫♪ And the little bells make a happy sound! ♪♫
Heres a foolproof way of putting
all the lawyers out of business.
Try to keep your word and tell the truth!
Quite simple really...
Your point being?
His Sacred Excellency, Lieutenant Colonel, (Her Majesty's
Coldstream Regiment of Foot Guards)
Viscount, Sir James Leo Tobias "Bunty" Mainwaring-Mainwaring Harcourt-Smyth.
MC, DSO, CBE and Two Bars.
Second Earl of Northumberland, Lord of the sink ports, Lord Protector of
the Grange and Norwich shire, Master of the North Shropshire Hunt.
Universities of Strasbourg graduate, Diplome d'Etudes Approfondies &
Paris, Diplome d'etudes superieures specialisees.
Oxford don, M.A. D.Phil. Ph.D. Ch.E. B.Eng AB BSc.
His final recorded words,
Let us now refresh our memory's on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor activity.
When a man volunteers to do a BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary
cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of
testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and
asks if she will kindly bring another beer while he flips the meat
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed
' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
Do you know, that the average western male has enough meat
on him to feed about 25 cannibals in one sitting.
Now not many people know that.
In the days before
Pan Am 727 Flight, Engineer waiting
for start clearance in Munich Germany, listening to
the radio since he was the junior crew member.
This was the conversation he overheard:
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
Why must I speak English!?"
Before ground could answer someone replied in a beautiful British accent:
"Because you lost the bloody war mate!"
And in the middle of everything,
Colonel Carruthers was heard to cry the immortal words...
"Shut-The-Fuck-Up you Scots Bastard!"
Somewhere under there is an M4...
If it's worth doing, it's worth over doing!
Every time a system is made foolproof,
a new class of fool emerges!
Hung Chow calls his work and
says, "Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and
legs hurt, I no come wok!"
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex,
that Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon, by the way,
You got nice house..."
Ti's better to have loved and lost
than spend the rest of you're life wanking!
"Twooly I will!"
Palermo, Italy 1944 and disheveled Italian partisans can be seen here planning there next move.
Looking on at left are two smartly turned out tailors hoping for some post liberation trade now
Il Duce has been overthrown, in the background we see evidence of Nazi atrocity, a fascist "wedgy"
desperately being cleared by one of the brave freedom fighters, no doubt placed
there by retreating German sappers!
Bambi's Mum Is Back;
AND SHE'S PISSED OFF!
Beware The Great White Nerd!
Can someone please explain to me why Christmas is the
only time of year we welcome an overweight, unshaved
man wearing a red costume into our children's
bedrooms in the dead of night...?!
Also, how come this prick works just one night of the year
and then spends the rest of the time judging us!
Well over one thousand Australians were needlessly killed and
last year (2009) and there wasn't a single firearm in sight!
I refer of course to the national road toll.
I feel that when the Greens and Gun control Australia etc start bleating about the need to ban guns we should also suggest to ban cars and public
holidays while where at it,
Christmas, New year and Australia day in particular.
To paraphrase Starlin (badly)
If one person is shot it's a tragedy!
If 65+ people lose there lives on the roads over Christmas and
new year it's merely an unfortunate statistic!
I feel that being killed or maimed on our roads today is an accepted way
to die in Australia, just like old age...
It's not really good enough is it!
Ohh yes, it's all shits and giggles till the ammo runs out..!
Plasticine, a brand of modeling clay, is a
putty-like modeling material made from calcium salts, petroleum jelly
and aliphatic acids.
The name is a registered trademark of
Flair Leisure Products plc.
Just thought you liked to know : )
Ok you lot,
out of the gene pool!
It's ok to have an open mind,
just as long as your Brains don't fall out...
"I say Sergeant major, is there anything worn under the Kilt?"
"Nay Majesty, it's all in perfect working order!"
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop
of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted
couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added,
'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'
"Come and get me ya
A sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE... NOW FLUSH, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
Michael Jackson Dead at Fifty.
Michael Jackson passed away soon after being rushed to hospital after suffering a cardiac arrest at his Los Angeles home.
Close family insiders say the King of pop will be melted down to retrieve plastic that will be recycled into toys so children can play
with him for a change...
THE TWO WOLVES
One evening an old man told his grandson about a battle
that goes on inside people. He said,
"My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"
The old man simply replied,
"The one you feed child, the one you feed."
I rang up the Swine flu hot line the other
day and only got crackling...!
Wonderful English from Around the World.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,
IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY
BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE
BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE
USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME
"A man can be happy with any woman as long as
he does not over cook her..."
The Squirrel and the Grasshopper
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.
THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a
press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed
to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his
comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be
ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Greens, Animal Rights, The Grasshopper
Housing Commission of Australia and Greenpeace demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from
St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing
"We Shall Overcome".
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes
that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for
an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government
drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are
reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an
additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did
not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission
house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm
to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and
re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine
and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize
and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old
home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country
of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport
because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence
of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because
the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were
abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.
The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up
the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away,
while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because
he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government
funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".
The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for
their treatment since arrival in Australia.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog
during a burglary to get money for his drug habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10
million and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into
funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers. Legal aid for
lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking
cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's
multicultural diversity and dogs are criticized by the government for
failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.
The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to
address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity
and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the immediate resignation of the minister.
The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights
were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking,
the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are
increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will
have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
Remember KA6 in 1983?
Skin is sin,
and sin is in!
I've been watching some "Fox Classic" TV in recent weeks and
to the conclusion that, for the good of all,
I would have blown "Dr. Smith" out the air lock and eaten "Gilligan!"*
*As well as Maryanne and Ginger but that's another story...
♪♫Hara Krishna, Hara Krishna,
Hara Rama, Hare Krishna, Krishna Vishnu!♫♪
Did I leave my bloody car keys at home again!?
Here's a horrible thought.
In about 40 to 50 years there's going to be millions of little old
ladies running about with tattoos and pierced navels...!
Major General Peter Cosgrove
was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Now even I think this is wrong!
You know you're obsessed with the Olympics when you fined yourself still up at 3.30 am watching Chad vs. Tobago fighting it out for 9th place in the Table-tennis!
You know your in a good
You don't mind your partner driving your car.
You can have a face to face discussion with
them while sitting on the toilet.
You can both laugh at each other's grosser bodily functions.
A golf course is a wilful and deliberate misuse
of a perfectly good rifle range!
Manure... An interesting fact.
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large
shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
The main problem with kids now days is that they all want to be individuals,
just like every one else...
Why men have better friends!
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.
When politicians pass laws that will be obeyed only by the law-abiding,
they content themselves that they have taken action.
As a consequence, while our leaders are absorbed with media interviews and mutual congratulations, the original problems are left to fester.
Sanctimony never stopped a bullet, or prevented an overdose and no criminal has ever been frightened by a photo-op...
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
"When the government fears the people
there is liberty ... " Thomas Jefferson
And now from my
And you thought the Greens here in
Australia were NUTS...
The Silent Scream of the Asparagus:
For complete lunacy!
The frightening thing is, our Greens would probably think it's a great idea as well...!
I am Cow,
Hear me moo,
I weigh three times as much as you,
And I look good on the barbecue too!
The one major problem with our political parties (especially the Greens)
is that they put there dogma ahead of common sense!
The road to Hell is paved by
In the western film "Shane", Alan Ladd pointed out that:
"A gun is a tool, no better and no worse than
an axe or any other tool;
A gun is as good as the man using it."
"With a great Willy comes even
From my son Michael then aged 12...
Elementary observation inevitably escapes the thought
process of the well-meaning.
Gun control Australia and the Greens please take note...
♫You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss...♫♫
But Herpes is forever...
I don't know who she is, but I hear she's very upset that
no one will take her seriously as an actress...
JESUS LOVES YOU!!!!
BUT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOUR A BIT OF AN ASSHOLE...
10 Dirty-Sounding legal expressions
Have you looked through her briefs?
He's one hard judge!
Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat.
A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says,
"To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who
romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."
If tide and time wait for no man, why do we always
seem to be hanging around for Women?!!
Ahhh, this is why...
How does a mother change a light bulb?
"Ohh that's all right dear, I'll just sit here in the dark..."
Very bad toys!
Atomic Energy Lab, USA ca. 1960
Mummy, is my face glowing?
In 1951, A.C. Gilbert introduced his U-238 Atomic Energy Lab,
a radioactive learning set we can only assume was fun for the whole math club. Gilbert, who American memorabilia claims was "often compared to Walt Disney for his creative genius," had a dream that nuclear power could capture the imaginations of children everywhere.
For a mere $49.50, the kit came complete with three "very low-level" radioactive sources, a Geiger-Mueller radiation counter, a Wilson Cloud Chamber (to see paths of alpha particles), a Spinthariscope (to see "live" radioactive disintegration), four samples of Uranium-bearing ores, and an Electroscope to measure radioactivity.
And what nuclear lab for kids would be complete without an Atomic Energy Manual and Learn How Dagwood Splits the Atom, comic book. (The latter was written with the help of General Leslie Groves, director of the Manhattan Project.)
Kids do the nuttiest things, but not, apparently, nuclear physics. The toy was only sold for one year. Funny about that...
It's unclear what effects the Uranium-bearing ores might have had on those few lucky children who received the set, but exposure to the same isotope—U-238—has been linked to cancer, leukaemia, and lymphoma, among other serious ailments. Even more uncertain is the long-term impact of being raised by the kind of nerds who would give their kid an Atomic Energy Lab.
I don't try to keep up with the Jone's,
I drag them down to my level...
It's vital to be always open minded.
But not to the extent that your brains fall out...
The greatest Rugby team in
Back to back Premiers!
Played 15 won 15
Points for 433 Points against 96
Go you good things!!!
Super coach and
rampaging 2nd rower!
Even if the little in my head voices
they still have some pretty good ideas...
The foundation of faith is total belief
without proof or evidence.
I would contend that if you do not fully believe 100% in your chosen faith, totally and unquestioningly you
can never truly call yourself a real Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu etc etc.
You must believe in all it's history, teachings, dogma, miracles and legends etc as nothing less than cold-hard-fact!
You must be in no doubt whatsoever.
No cherry picking, no choosing to believe the nice parts and ignoring the nasty or irrelevant bits, you must
fully agree with and accept your faith in it's entirety with all your heart and mind that
everything it preaches is sold, irrefutable truth and nothing else!
If you can't do that, then you are nothing but a mere pretender and loathsome hypocrite.
It's all or nothing simple as that!
If you can accept it all, then you are one of true faith.
And by today's standards you are also a complete imbecile!
Times have changed from 2000+ years ago. Modern man is more civilized and tolerant
than ever before and that includes most parts of the middle east!
The greatest source of unrest in our world comes from those who "Believe to much, and think too little..."
After all, if you could bring back the all men who wrote all the “Holy” books throughout history, how
well would they fit into our world, and how well would we fit into theirs…?
And take this into account as well; The people who wrote and adhered to all the dogmas of the past
would probably have more in common with a suicide bomber than with us...
What's the ultimate
definition of "Macho"?
Jogging home from
NORINCO 77B 9mm VERY GOOD
In the vast
pantheon of firearms there are many that stand out amongst there
The classic Colts Navy, Walker and peace maker. The noble Luger and C96 Mauser.
The redoubtable Webly, Enfield and 1911Colt. The small but perfectly formed Lilliput.
I could go on and on, and so I shall.
The inscrutable Nambu 14 and Meiji 26. The mighty S&W M29 .44mag and the Oh so accurate .38 Model 14.
The glamorous Python and the remarkable Fosbery and Webly Mars.
And then there's the 77B Norinco... A pistol that should have been interrupted at point of conception or at least strangled at birth!
The 77B uses the long discarded finger-cocking system that requires the firer to have the finger length and strength of an Orangutan to operate! This system was last seen on the diminutive "Lignose Einhand Model 3A" of 1917 this was fine on a little pocket .25 that
you would take along if you were creeping about the red light districts of Paris or Berlin in the 1920s but not so good
on a thumping great 9mm that's almost as big and heavy as a Beretta 92!
Still and all it's a sturdy gun that's well built, little used and an interesting collectors item---$465
this button do?"
Chairman Bobs, little known Facts...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6
days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories a hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Why Do We...
Why do we press harder on a remote control when
we know the batteries
are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVOURITE......
Statistics on mental health have shown that at least one out of four people is
suffering from some sort of psychological illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you...
You'll enjoy this from Col D. G. Swinford, USMC, Ret and history buff. You would really have to dig deep to get this kind of ringside seat to history:
The first German serviceman killed in WW2 was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland1940); highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.
During the Japanese attack on Hong Kong British
officers objected to Canadian
infantrymen taking up positions in the officer's mess.
No enlisted men allowed you know.
The US Army had more ships than the US Navy.
The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonourable Discharge for lying about his age. His benefits were later restored by act of Congress.
The Russians destroyed over 500 German aircraft by ramming them in mid-air
(they also sometimes cleared mine fields by marching over them).
"It takes a brave man not to be a hero in the Red Army" - Joseph Stalin
At the time of Pearl Harbour , the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us") the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika."
All three were soon changed for PR purposes.
More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps.
While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being killed was 71%.
A number of air crewman died of farts
(ascending to 20,000 ft. in an unpressurized aircraft causes intestinal gas to
Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot.
You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes.
He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.
It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo.
This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy.
Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.
YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS ONE....
When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. George S Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).
German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City , but it wasn't worth the effort.
When the US Army landed in North Africa, among
the equipment brought ashore were 3 complete Coca-Cola bottling plants.
German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.
Most members of the Waffen SS were not German...
Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army....
AND I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST....
Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed
ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands 21 troops were killed in the fire fight.
It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.
A vegetarian is just failed hunter...
sense is tingling!
Lets get things into
The Objects shown in the image above, (from the Hubble Ultra Deep Field) can be completely covered by the full-stop at the end of
this sentence held at arms length against the night sky. Lets break things down a tad.
Our planet, the Earth, circles the sun, the sun is a star. Our star, along with millions and millions of other stars, circle the centre of the galaxy, known as the Milky Way.
Every single speck in this picture is a galaxy, not a star, and each of these galaxies are surrounded by millions of other stars, all which have the potential to
be orbited by planets, which in turn have the potential to be inhabited by life.
These galaxies are estimated to be over 13 billion light years away, a snap shot of the beginning of the universe.
Or to put it another way.
There are more Galaxies in the Universe than grains of sand on Earth...
Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better
have a damn good hand...
Subject: Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate.
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love all animals.
They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
Greens on a
fact finding mission!
How to motivate your schools
junior cadet unit.
YOU WILL SHOW RESPECT FOR
YOU WILL LEARN THE DRILLS!
YOU WILL LEARN THE WAYS OF MY
BELOVED CORE AND WILL DIE FOR YOUR COUNTRY IF NECESSARY
OR I WILL TEAR YOUR EYES OUT OF
THERE SOCKETS AND
AND ONLY THEN.
YOU WILL FINALLY BE
DO I MAKE MY SELF CLEAR!!!"
And God created Rugby,
And it was good!
Never let it be said that the chairman wasn't a gent of
culture, letters, grace and refinement.
To this end I present for your edification one of
Banjo Paterson's finest works.
One I believe should be on every Schools curriculum!
THE BASTARD FROM THE BUSH
As the night was falling slowly over city, town and bush,
From a slum in Jones's Alley came the Captain of the Push,
And his whistle loud and piercing woke the echoes of the Rocks,
And a dozen ghouls came slouching round the corners of the blocks.
Then the Captain jerked a finger at a stranger on the kerb
Whom he qualified politely with an adjective and verb.
Then he made the introduction: 'Here's a covey from the bush-
Fuck me blind, he wants to join us—be a member of the Push.'
Then the stranger made this answer to the Captain of the Push.
'Why, fuck you dead, I'm Foreskin Fred, the bastard from the bush!
'I've been in every two-up school from Darwin to the 'Loo.
'I've ridden colts and black gins—what more can a bastard do!
'Are you game to smash a window?' asked the Captain of the Push.
'I'd knock a fucking house down,' said the bastard from the bush.
'Would you take a maiden's baby?' said the Captain of the Push.
'I'd take a baby's maiden,' said the bastard from the bush.
'Would you dong a bloody copper if you caught the cunt alone,
'Would you stoush a swell or Chinkee, split his garret with a stone?
'Would you have a moll to keep you, would you swear off work for good?'
'What? Live on prostitution? My colonial oath I would!'
'Would you care to have a gasper?' said the Captain of the Push.
'I'll take the bloody packet,' said the bastard from the bush.
Then the Pushites all took counsel, saying, 'Fuck me, but he's game.
'Let's make him our star basher, he'll live up to his name.'
So they took him to their hideout, that bastard from the bush,
And they granted him all privileges appertaining to the Push.
But soon they found his little ways were more than they could stand,
And finally the Captain thus addressed his little band.
'Now listen here, you buggers, we've caught a fucking tartar,
'At every kind of bludging, that bastard is a starter,
'At poker and at two-up, he's shook our fucking rolls,
'He swipes our fucking liquor, and he robs our fucking molls.'
So down in Jones's Alley all the members of the Push
Laid a dark and dirty ambush for the bastard from the bush.
So against the wall of Riley's pub, the bastard made a stand,
A nasty grin upon his dial, a bike-chain in each hand.
They sprang upon him in a bunch, but one by one they fell,
With crack of bone, unearthly groan, and agonising yell,
Till the sorely-battered Captain, spitting teeth and gouts of blood,
Held an ear all torn and bleeding in a hand bedaubed with mud.
' You low polluted bastard,' snarled the Captain of the Push,
'Get back to where your sort belong, that's somewhere in the bush:
'And I hope heaps of misfortune may soon tumble down on you,
'May some lousy harlot dose you till your ballocks turn sky-blue.
'May the pangs of windy spasms through your bowels dart,
'May you shit your bloody trousers every time you try to fart,
'May you take a swig of gin's piss, mistaking it for beer,
'May the next push you impose on toss you out upon your ear.
'May the itching piles torment you, may corns grow on your feet,
'May crabs as big as spiders attack your balls a treat,
'Then when you're down and outed, to a hopeless bloody wreck,
'May you slip back through your arsehole, and break your fucking neck.'
HE LAID HER ON THE TABLE
He laid her on the table
So white, clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there
He touched her neck and then he felt her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh
The slit was wet and all was set
He gave a joyous cry
The hole was wide – he looked inside
All was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
And then he stuffed the turkey!
So what were you thinking!
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration...
I will face my fear!
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn to see its path.
Where fear has gone, there will be nothing.
Only I will remain!
Death is natures way of telling
you to slow down...
AN UNPLEASANT FACT!
There were 1605 road fatalities in 2006!
That's right 1605 dead Australians!
And not a single firearm in sight!
I think I will start a new pressure group,
"Car control Australia"
"The coalition for car control"
I think our government should prioritise a little don't you!
Swearing in French is like wiping your ass with silk!
Don't walk in front, because I may not
Don't walk behind, because I may not lead
Don't walk beside-Just bugger off!!!
Just in case you ever wondered...
Isaac Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics":
"A Dirty Mind Is A Joy Forever"
"I think, therefore I am, not religious..."
Sorry about this.
Something a little Ghoulish.
The description of Saddam Hussein's execution.
If you have seen the mobile phone or the official video of this unpleasant event, you may be
curious to know what was said, this is it.
BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- The scene was at once macabre and
One of the most notorious dictators of the late 20th century, his hands bound behind him, was led up the stairs of the gallows by masked men in leather coats. A few seconds later, a trapdoor snapped open and - with a crash - Saddam was dead.
He may have been the first chief of state executed in the age of the Internet and the camera phone. Probably because of that, his death was graphically documented on video, and available worldwide, within hours.
By several accounts, Saddam was calm but scornful of his captors, exchanging taunts and accusations with the crowd gathered to watch him die - insisting that he was Iraq's savoir, not its tyrant and scourge.
State television did not broadcast footage of the actual hanging. But camera phone video, posted in full or in part on several Web sites, picked up where the TV coverage left off.
In the videos, Saddam calmly recited verses from the Quran in a calm, clear voice as the trap door opened.
Finally, his body can be seen swinging in the dim light - his neck apparently snapped.
Saddam had reportedly asked that, as Iraq's commander in chief, he be sent before a firing squad. Instead, he was condemned to die on the gallows - as though he were a garden variety murderer.
The 69-year-old former president struggled briefly as the U.S. military, which had custody of Saddam, handed him over to the Iraqis, said Sami al-Askari, a political adviser to Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.
Saddam did not wear his familiar military uniform with its jaunty beret but a black coat over a white shirt, black trousers and black shoes. His jet black hair was carefully combed, his salt-and-pepper beard neatly clipped.
From that moment on, his last acts of defiance, it seems, consisted of verbal jousting and silent contempt.
Saddam was taken to a former military intelligence headquarters in Baghdad's Shiite neighbourhood of Kazimiyah, in northern Baghdad. During his regime, he had numerous dissidents executed in the facility.
Munir Haddad, an appeals court judge who witnessed the hanging, told the British Broadcasting Corp. that Saddam was not sedated.
"Not at all, Saddam was normal and in full control," Haddad said. "He was aware of his fate and he knew he was about to face death. He said, 'This is my end, this is the end of my life, but I started my life as a fighter and as a political militant so death does not frighten me.'"
After his captors brought Saddam into the execution chamber, his hands - which were tied in front of him - were untied, then tied in the back, Haddad told the BBC.
"He said we are going to heaven and our enemies will rot in hell and he also called for forgiveness and love among Iraqis but also stressed that the Iraqis should fight the Americans and the Persians," Haddad told the BBC.
The New York Times reported that Mowaffak al-Rubaie, the national security adviser for Iraq, stood next to Saddam before he mounted the scaffold, and asked him if he felt remorse and fear.
"No," the Times quoted Saddam saying. "I am a militant and I have no fear for myself. I have spent my life in jihad and fighting aggression. Anyone who takes this route should not be afraid."
Al-Rubaie told the Times that one of the guards grew angry. "You have destroyed us," he reportedly shouted. "You have killed us. You have made us live in destitution."
"I have saved you from destitution and misery and destroyed your enemies, the Persian and Americans," Saddam responded, al-Rubaie told the Times.
"God damn you," the guard said.
"God damn you," Saddam said, according to the Times.
A silent, minute-long video that aired on Iraqi television showed Saddam on the scaffold. He seemed to have little to say, and his eyes appeared lost in a 1,000-yard stare.
Four or five burly men guided him gently but firmly toward a red metal railing marking the trap door. A thick rope hung like a sinister vine from the low ceiling. An unseen photographer's flash created fleeting stark shadows.
With a blank expression, Saddam refused a black hood - but he did so with a shake of his head that seemed more distracted than defiant.
Then he appeared to agree to let one of his executioners tie a black scarf around his neck. The Times reported that his guards explained the rope could cut off his head, and offered to protect his neck with the scarf.
In the televised video, Saddam stood stoically as the noose was slipped over his head. The noose was tightened. Then the Iraqi TV footage ended.
But the camera phone video, broadcast in part on Al-Jazeera and aired in full on Arabic-language Web sites, continued.
In the video, one of those attending the execution called out praise for Dawa Party founder and Shiite cleric Mohammed Baqir al-Sadr, who was executed along with his sister by Saddam in 1980. The Islamic party has been locked in a fierce decades-old battle with Saddam's now outlawed secular Baath party. Muqtada al-Sadr, the powerful and radical Shiite cleric in Iraq, is a distant relative of the Dawa founder.
Saddam appeared to smile at those taunting him from below the gallows, and said they were not showing their manhood.
Then Saddam began reciting the "Shahada," a Muslim prayer that says there is no god but God and Muhammad is his messenger.
"Saddam did so but with sarcasm," Haddad said. But to others, Saddam's tone sounded calm and measured, neither sarcastic nor frightened.
Saddam made it to midway through his second recitation of the verse. His last word was Muhammad, according to a translation by the Associated Press.
The floor dropped out of the gallows, there was a crash and the chamber erupted in shouting.
"The tyrant has fallen," someone called. The video showed a close-up of Saddam's face as he swung from the rope.
Then came another voice: "Let him swing for three minutes."
Asked if Saddam suffered, Haddad told the BBC: "He was killed instantly, I witnessed the impact of the rope around his neck and it was a horrible sight."
Iraqi television broadcasts included a shaky image of the aftermath: a shot of what appeared to be Saddam's corpse, laid out on a hospital gurney, his head wrenched grotesquely to the right. His neck appeared to be bruised.
Saddam's half brother Barzan Ibrahim and Awad Hamed al-Bandar, the former chief justice of the Revolutionary Court, were originally scheduled to be hanged along with their former leader.
Iraqi officials, though, decided to reserve the occasion for Saddam alone.
Saddam execution proven a fake!
Middle East tyrant found safe and well!
There was something about the guy at the Kebab
shop I just couldn't quite put my finger on...
The only fraud that is still legal and tax exempt...
gets up to,
when your not
Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do; do it with all thy might for there
is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave,
whither thou goest...
Ecclesiastes, Chapter 9 verse 10
BILLY CONNOLLY'S CHAIN LETTER
Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding
50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?!
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!
What a bunch of bullshit!!
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't fucking care!
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity...
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know!
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals...
Have a nice day.
P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off!
Thanks Bruce for sharing.
THE CHAIRMAN BOB WAY!
"It has been said that politics is the second
I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first".
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy...
the church grow fondlers...
A word to the wise,
If you want your child to be come completely obsessive, disobedient and just plain stupid, spending too much
time on a pointless activity then buy them a Nintendo DS or other hand held
computer toy and watch there imagination and commonsense drain away!
THE PERFECT DAY,
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café.
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit.
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body.
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe.
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers.
10:00 Hot shower- alone.
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY,
6:15 Blow job.
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport.
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club. (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine. (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine. (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport. (several bourbons plus blow job and wild sex en-route)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas.
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot showing their growlers.
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1274lbs)—on light tackle.
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson.
6:45 Shit, shower and shave.
7:00 Watch news—Justin Bieber assassinated!
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), huge juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football plus blow jobs etc.
9:30 Brilliant sex with three women, Nordic, Asian and Black, all super models with hot lesbian tendencies. Anal...
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer.
11:30 Night-cap blow job.
11:45 In bed alone.
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room!
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep.
"Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder."
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
Adventurous....................Slept with everyone.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age.......................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs or Anal.
Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing.
Large frame...........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. Sure, go ahead = You better not
7. We need to talk = You're in trouble
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you bloody moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
11. Will use your entire name before saying the following = "I'm pregnant!"
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
1. I am tired = I am tired
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am hungry = I am hungry
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.
The greatest Rugby team in
the entire Universe!
Played 10 won 9
3 washed out
Points for 215-Points against 42
Team PIC and Coach PIC
Go you good things!!!
Sorry to tell you all this
but the truth is,
Inner beauty won't get you laid!
Swedish soldier brandishing
his colossal weapon!
Be afraid, be very afraid!
A GUIDE TO
THE CORRECT AND PROPER USE
OF BAD LANGUAGE.
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men...
"My Porno Name!"
My adult film industry friends (of which I have none, unfortunately) tell me that if you want to get into the business you need a really catchy stage (bed/floor/wall/swinging-from-ceiling/back of car etc) name and the best way to do this is to take the name of your very first pet and the name of the first street you lived in, put them both together and there you have it.
In my case I would be known as,
Not to awe inspiring is it...
My good lady wife would be known as,
The eldest son is,
And the youngest,
Muppin, The Avenue.
This is a silly, fun party game, give it a try some time.
Sex in the Kitchen!
She is standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in.
She turns and says,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
His eyes light up,
And he thinks,
"Well this is a different way to start the day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and gives
his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says,
And returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled he asks,
"What was that all about?"
"The bloody egg timer's broken."
Listen up Kid!
Use it or lose it!
Make it or take it!
Just don't whinge if no one will give it to you!
"Good morning passengers this is your
Capitan speaking, and welcome aboard
the Airbus 330-200 the worlds most sophisticated airliner!
We've just reached our cruising altitude of thirty seven
thousand feet and....OH, SHIT!!!!!"
There comes a time in every ones life when you must spit on your hands,
raise the black flag and start cutting throats!
A life lived in fear is a life half lived...
Why is Michael Jackson like an X-Box?
Because there both made of plastic
and kids turn them on...
Jul 14 1969
El Salvador's defeat of the Honduras soccer team in Mexico City inflamed passions between the two countries
to such an extent that the countries began warring with each other on this date. 2,000 people died
during four days of hostilities known as the "Futbol War".
A kiss is like a Spiders web,
It often leads to the undoing of flies...
There are more Galaxy's in the Universe than grains of sand on Earth...
My Grandma would give me money sometimes and say,
"Here's $5 and don't tell your Mum and Dad."
I'd look at her and reply,
"Granny, It's going to cost you a lot more than that!"
What's the one thing a Rugby player
that a Soccer player rarely needs?
Ok, I'm a Rugby man through and through and I
make no apology for that, however I have been keenly watching the world cup and
truly amazed at the corruption and blatant bias of the "Beautiful game"
He/She died doing the thing they loved.
Or if you look at it another way.
The thing they loved killed them...
I lay upon a grassy bank,
my hands were all aquiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt,
and her leg fell in the river
Kick the Habit Sister!
Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound
The Same After
That Damn Gay Cowboy Movie.*
"Let's mount up!"
"Nice spread ya got there!"
"Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
"I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
"Fill your hand you son of a bitch!"
"Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
"You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
"Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
SOME DAYS YOUR THE WINDSHIELD,
SOME DAYS YOUR THE BUG.
When I die, I want to go out like my
Peacefully, and in my sleep.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers!
FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT TO
PRETEND TO WORK!
What government say they will do, what they set out to do and what they ultimately
achieve are usually three totally different things!
Merry old England has a total handgun and semi-auto rifle ban and now suffers
from the worst gun crime in Europe!
If you doubt me just do a "Google" and see for yourself.
"Yes I'm evil, but its for the greater good"
I know a man who is so dishonest and so
crooked that he could
swallow a six inch nail and shit out a cork screw!
If I can't be a good example,
then I'll just have to be a horrible warning!
People should never be fearful of there government.
Government should always be fearful of there people...
TEN REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN.
10. You can trade an old 44 for two new 22's.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favoured over a woman....
1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
Some people spread happiness where ever they
Some people spread happiness when ever they go...
The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot
to her husband:
Buy me a surprise for my birthday!', she said. 'Something that
accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the present her husband so thoughtfully
bought. Apparently he is dead now...
So many asses,
never enough caps!
The eve of the Roman feast of Lupercalia.
Naked youths would run through Rome, anointed with the blood of
sacrificed dogs and goats, waving thongs cut from the goats.
If a young woman was struck by the thong, fertility was assured.
Pope Gelasius 1st decided this was all a bit too much, and co-opted the
Roman holiday to be the Feast of St. Valentine in 484 A.D.
A wise decision I feel.
A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says,
"My feet are cold, can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's
gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs,
"Both of them?"
His mate yells back,
"Of course, both of them."
With thanks to Ray.
Spank me! Beat me!
Make me write bad checks!
HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED...
quiet so I can hear
the voices in my head...
There is no Devil.
It's only God when he drinks...
Of all the things I've ever lost,
my marbles are what I miss the most...
We can't afford to be complacent!
You have to budget for it...
Ever wondered what a condom full of walnuts looks like? PIC
Who controls the past controls the future.
Who controls the present controls the past...
George Orwell "1984"
Just a little something for all you "conspiracy theorists" out there.
Remember this guys,
"BLACK HELICOPTERS" AREN'T
ALWAYS PAINTED BLACK...
SEX is my favourite sport!
It's free and I don't need special shoes...
Napoleon of crime!
Hooded winter jacket to conceal identity:
9mm Handgun purchased from "Ray-Jay" up the block:
Failure to master proper weapon retention during your armed robbery:
terribly sorry about this!
two loving people is a beautiful thing.
Between fifteen it's incredible!!!
A mixed marriage never works!
Michael (Aged 9)
"Dad! I know your soft spot...
Dad (Aged 47) "Oh yeah, what is it!?
Michael (Aged 9) "I don't know what they're called, but Ill kick them and you'll know...
Thank you for the anatomy lessen son...
It's all fun and games until some one gets run over by a combine harvester!
"Have her washed and brought to my tent..."
My horns keep my halo straight...
(that's my story and I'm sticking to it)
CHICKS WITH GUNS! PICK
"To love another person, is to see the face of God!"
Great truths children have learned.
1/ No matter how hard you try you can't baptise cats.
2/ When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3/ If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4/ Never ask your 3 year old bother to hold a tomato.
5/ You cant trust dogs to watch your food.
6/ Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7 Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
8/ You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9/ Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10/ The best place to be when your sad is Grandpas/Grandmas lap.
Great truths that adults have learned.
1/ Raising children is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2/ Wrinkles don't hurt.
3/ Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4/ Today's mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that held it's ground
5/ Laughing is good exercise. Its like jogging on the inside.
6/ Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
Great truths about growing old.
1/ Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2/ Forget the health food, I need all the preservatives I can get.
3/ When you fall down, you wonder what else you can
do while your down there.
4/ Your getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5/ Its frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
6/ Time may be a great healer, but its a lousy beautician.
7/ Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
The four stages of life.
1: You believe in Santa clause.
2: You don't believe in Santa clause.
3: You are Santa clause.
4: You look like Santa clause.
So remember my friends, time is short!
"Sing as if no one is listening, dance as if no one is watching
and screw as if you were being filmed!"
I studied animal husbandry for a while,
until they caught me at it one day...
The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship.
1. It is important to find a partner who works around the house, occasionally
cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a partner who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a partner who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a partner who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is most important that these four people should never meet!!!
I'm going to take my bat home and give my balls
a damn good walloping!
Right now I'm out of
but feel free to leave a message...
The "Marimba" is considered by many to be
the national instrument of Guatemala.
Just thought I should pass this on.
Heaven is like a beautiful Sunday morning,
without needing to go to Church...
The Loving Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the New
2005 models. I saw one I really liked..."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted Last
year is back on the market. They're now only asking $1350,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$1250,000 and see how we go."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Thanks to Adam.
There can be nothing more boring and unimaginative than
a world weary, eye rolling, twelve year old!
All the things I really like to do are
immoral, illegal, or fattening!
And now, as a public serves,
to all you long suffering owners of
Stripping and Assembly of the M1904 Bolt:
The complex nature of the M1904 Bolt and its difficult striping and reassembly process conducive to the loss of parts, contributed significantly to the demise of this Rifle as a Service Arm with the Union of South Africa, Defence Force.
UDF Troops are documented as arriving on Parade with disassembled Bolts and their parts tied in a handkerchief and many surviving Rifles today are found with replacement Bolts, or the Safety flag having been replaced, as was easily lost.
Today, many M1904 owners rather do not strip the Bolt assembly, or, hand this job to a competent Gunsmith.
Although delicate and complicated the task of stripping and re-assembling these Bolts can easily be undertaken by the average owner and a set of instructions is published here to assist in this.
- Check Rifle is empty and safe.
- Pull out Bolt stop on left rear of receiver and slide Bolt assembly out to the rear.
- The Bolt assembly must be cocked for disassembly.
To disassemble the Bolt assembly:
1) Turn cocking piece at rear of the Bolt assembly counter clockwise, (Seen from behind) 90 degrees. This will lower the cocking piece forward to the "uncocked" or "fired" position in the back of the Bolt barrel.
2) Rotate the Bolt face at front of the Bolt assembly clockwise through 90 degrees so that ejector slot of the Bolt face is aligned with the un-slotted blot lug on the Bolt barrel.
3) The cocking piece is now free to slide to the rear, remove and place aside.
4) Now rotate the Bolt face counter clock wise 270 degrees to align the slotted lug in the Bolt face with the guide rib on the Bolt barrel.
Be aware that the Bolt-face is spring loaded and will release forward if not contained.
5) Remove Bolt face forward and extract firing pin and spring to the front.
Reassembly is roughly in reverse:
1) Place spring and firing pin in Bolt-body. Add Bolt-face noting the keyway for the firing pin on the inside of the Bolt-face forks.
2) With slotted lug on Bolt-face aligned with the Bolt-rib the firing pin is pressed back into the Bolt-body with pressure on the Bolt-face.
Pressing down, rotate Bolt-head until slotted Bolt-face lug is aligned with the unslotted lug on the Bolt-body.
3) Replace the cocking-piece at the rear down to the "uncocked" position.
4) Now rotate the Bolt-head 90 degrees counter clockwise until resistance is felt.
5) Grab Bolt-head in one hand and cocking piece in the other (for right-handed persons use; left forward and right rear).
6) Pull back on the cocking piece while rotating both the Bolt-head and cocking-piece 90 degrees clock wise until the slotted Bolt-head lug is aligned with the slotted Bolt-body lug and the cocking-piece is in the "cocked" position.
Note that because the Bolt-face must be attached to the firing pin before the cocking piece can be added, it is not possible to fire the Rifle with the Bolt-head missing.
Refit to Rifle from the rear.
As expanded by F. von Solms from the original Page 204, Mauser Bolt Rifles by Ludwig Olsen (Third edition).
(Clear as mud!)
Reporter interviewing a 104 year-old
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She replied, "No peer pressure."
With thanks to Ian.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
"Hardly worth going home, is it?" she responded...
With thanks to Ian again.
Pandas must be the stupidest, laziest animals on the planet!
I mean they won't even screw to save there own species!?
CHAIRMAN BOB SAY...
"Tis better to be thought of as a big Airhead than a little Ass-hole..."
With hugs and kisses to D.A.G
"Bad Bovine! Bad!"
A society that makes war against its police had better learn to
make friends with its criminals.
A closed mouth gathers no foot...
Speak truth unto power.
Life is just natures way of keeping meat fresh...
Careful this might give you impure thoughts...
.A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg
is frowning and looking put out.
The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well! I guess we answered that question."
"In the presence of true faith,
all reason and sense takes flight!"
The human race having a very large self-esteem problem at this point in time, may it pass quickly.
In the beginning, the universe was created.
This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea...
The "S" word used here!
Lets put things into perspective shall we,
Even bad sex is still better than a good day at work!
Why is it that young people who want to set themselves apart and be seen as having a mind of their own, usually express it by joining a group where everyone looks and acts the same?
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
DON'T WORRY-THERE'S PLENTY FOR EVERYONE!
(But I'm saving the best bits for someone special...)
I like a little "mumbo"
with my "jumbo".
An unfortunate resemblance.
the sixth day the Lord turned to the angel Gabriel and said.,
"On this day, I shall create a magic land. It shall be called "Israel." It will stand as holy. Its magnificence will be known the world over.
I will choose to send to this land special people of goodness, intelligence and conviction. So the land shall prosper. I shall call these inhabitants . . .. Jews"
"Pardon me, Lord," asked Gabriel, " but aren't you being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really. Wait until you see the neighbours I'm giving them."
Women Live Longer Than Men Because...
What's the way to a Woman's Hart?
Well, if you can fake empathy you've got it made...
Never move to a suburb where you see more
one car part lying in the front yards...
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
"It could be that my only real
purpose in life
is to serve as a warning to others!"
"A Dirty Mind Is A Joy
Combat for Dummies!
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humour.
"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual
"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop
With thanks to Ian.
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you've got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned round to find a giant Kodiak bear standing there.
The bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you...
Women Live Longer Than Men Because...
If it can be at all avoided,
I will never grow up and act my age!
The Sith Code.
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.
From STAR WARS if you have been living on another planet...
HOW THE WEST WAS WON!
THE BLAME GAME!
Ok, let's see if I understand how the world works now days...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If children are brats without manners, you blame television and pop-culture.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame
the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries
to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore!
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled backside is parked in front of this computer, I want you to sue the Ass of Bill Gates!
Women Live Longer Than Men Because...
"The Armalite AR10"
I bet you don't know about the sculdugery that went on behind the scenes concerning the
AR10 Vs M14 during the US small arms trials!
The Armalite entry was deliberately sabotaged by unreasonable official demands, for example the testing board
demanded that the AR10 use a light steel barrel which they new would blow the gun up thus forcing Armalite out
of the contest, the same modification was not demanded of the M14, cute!
In a nut shell, Springfield armoury said they could produce the M14 on existing M1 Garand machinery with
minimal retooling and expense, they lied! And ultimately Springfield armoury was closed down by the US government.
Armalites AR-10 promo video.
gun has played a critical role in history. An Invention which has been praised
and denounced, served hero and villain alike... and carries with it great moral
To understand the gun is to better understand history."
"Praise the lord and pass the ammunition!"
Religion holds humanity, back but war propels us forward.
War is sometimes caused by religion so both go hand in hand and are unfortunately
essential for human advancement; ultimately, like the stages of a rocket,
we will cast them both off and finally fly free.
Political Correctness represses leadership, is the crippler of
decision making and is the destroyer of free speech!
It is the bastion of the arrogant pseudointellectual and the mediocre and
the domain of the unimaginative and bombastic despot, bully and coward who
would rather shout down opposition than try to debate it.!
In other words, the GREENS!
A party dedicated to pursuing their dogma ahead of reason,
common sense, honesty or even reality!
A police officer pulls a man over for
As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man
is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--
but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
Thank you John P for this cultural offering.
The (ex) leader of the free world.... PIC
The Queen Elizabeth and Dolly
Parton die on the same day. They both go before St. Peter to find out if
they'll be admitted to
heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these!
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into the toilet and pulls the lever.
St. Peter says, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's most exquisite creations and you turn me down. She simply gargles and spits and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," St. Peter says, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.
Thank you Ian the "Amalgam Miner" for this cultural contribution
And now some soothing words of encouragement and inspiration
from our old Army pal Sargent Hartman.
Download then click over line to hear from the great man himself.
Women live longer than men because...
It's been a wonderful flight!
The seats are comfortable, the movie was great, the food was good and the wine just right,
and as for the in-flight service, top notch!
You've moved the seat back to the upright position and fastened your belt and we're
all but ten minuets away from touchdown.
That's when you notice this funny little noise coming from just outside your window,
so you take a quick peek, and...
Yes, probably offensive!
When a terrorist/freedom fighter dies, he or she
is suppose to go to paradise,
where he or she enjoys the delights of 72 virgins etc! etc! etc!
Ok, now that sounds all very fine and dandy, but lets think about this for a while.
After the first three or four virgins I'd really be wanting someone who knew
what the hell they were doing!
A Cannibal said to his wife over dinner one
"You know darling, I'm sorry, but I've never liked your mother much."
She looks up disappointedly and says,
"Then push her to the side of the plate dear and just eat your vegies."
"Little Johnny comes home from school one day
and mum asks how his day went.
"Pwoorrrr! It was great mum, I had hot sweaty sex with my teacher!"
"WHAT!" Exclaims his horrified mother. "Get to your room this instant mister
and wait till your farther comes home!"
In due course dad arrives to be met by his hysterical wife and after being filled in
on his sons antics went to confront him.
"Johnny, your mother tells me you had sex with your teacher today, is that so?"
"Yes dad." Mumbles his shame faced offspring.
Dad looks about to make sure the wife isn't listening and then whispers.
"Good on you boy, that's the way.
Are you going to do it again?"
"Ohhh yeah, sure thing dad, but not till my bum gets better..."
"Take mediocrity, pump it full of hype, serve it up as talent,
and make millions on SMS calls!
Tantor!! Please to be stopping that now please!!
America would do better "encouraging"
democracy throughout the world, rather than
attempting to enforce it!
Live well, Love much, Laugh often,
and you'll never Die wondering...
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain dear.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
I'll never understand how a women can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto her upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!
"A mans character is his fate..."
you didn't really want to know, but!
A red food colouring made from the female Dactylopius coccus insects after they are
fertilised but before the complete development of the eggs.
They are briefly baked in a hot oven or plunged into boiling water, dried and then crushed.
Just thought I should pass this on...
Inside every older person there's a
younger one wondering
what the hell happened!
The Spiralling cost of petrol...
There are two schools of thought on Nostradamus:
Either he had supernatural powers which enabled him to
prophesy the future with uncanny accuracy,
or (more likely)
He did for bullshit what Stonehenge did for rocks!
Lets be honest with ourselves, if you write vague enough prophecies, there will
be something there to fool almost anyone!
But wait! There's more!
How come not one of the prophets of the past or psychics of today saw,
9/11 the Bali bombing the Asian and Japanese Tsunamis the Christchurch earth quake,
Global warming the Global financial crisis, Covid 19 or the Trump Presidency!?
The one and only "Porno" photograph on my site!
(Watch out Wowsers, were jerkin the
Harry and the pickle slicer.
Harry worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
This went on for years, and Harry couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his.
He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told him
that since the desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer
the only way to get over it was to do it!
So Harry gladly agreed to get it all over and done with that very next day at work.
The next day he came home from work at about 11.30, his wife was terribly worried and asked why he was home so early.
Harry explained to her for the very first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He explained that he couldn't take it any more and that today he did it, and he got fired as a result.
The good lady gasped in horror and ran over to him, yanked down his pants, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact.
She looked up bewildered and said"
"I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"I think she got fired too..."
Thank you Ross for your cultural contribution.
"The ethical hunter only kills what he
needs and needs what he kills and feels no
disgrace in letting the big one go!"
This applies to all hunters and especially my fellow fishermen.
The reloading room they have in Heaven
I am now 59 years old...
What the hell was that!!
That was your youth mate!
Did you enjoy it?
I don't know how to take this, I suppose it means I've "arrived" but a
large U.S. porno server wanted to link to my site...
I replied with,
Dear "Mindy" (This was apparently the name of sites administrator...)
Though I am not adverse to making the odd dollar and certainly don't mind the odd BLUE joke,
but I don't really feel a porno link on my site would be appreciated by the majority of my visitors, do you have any thing we can link up to without the TITS and ASS...
RPG ESTATE FIREARMS.
(Dame it! I think I'm becoming an old Wowser! )
etc, etc) Idol"
The triumph of rubbishy hype and mediocrity over hard work, ability,
courage and most of all, talent!
Tough times at Microsoft!
The Haka, translated.
(As taken from the official All Blacks site.)
(Slap the hands against the thighs)
(Puff out the chest)
(Bend the knees)
Hope whai ake
(Let the hip follow)
Waewae takahia kia kino
(Stamp the feet as hard as you can)
Ka mate! Ka mate!
(It is death!, It is death!)
Ka ora! Ka ora!
(It is life!, It is life!)
Ka mate! Ka mate!
(It is death! It is death!)
Ka ora! Ka ora!
(It is life! It is life!)
Tenei Te Tangata Puhuruhuru
(This is the hairy man)
Nana i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra
(Who caused the sun to shine again for me)
(Up the ladder, Up the ladder)
(Up to the top)
Whiti te ra!
(The sun shines!)
Or to put it a little more
"White man! We are going to come over there
BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!!"
However if you only read the translation (in red)
its not that awe inspiring.
Ok, surly there's an Aboriginal war cry our Wallabies and Kangaroos
can do in reply? Why must our League and Rugby teams
be so bloody Politically Correct and passive!
Come on officialdom its time we gave our national teams some BALLS!
"Desperate to blend in but
not having a full grasp of western culture, Osama Bin Laden
makes a tactical error."
"Try again Osama"
"Third times a charm!"
Mr Osama Bean Laden.
Have you ever noticed that most Wives have very selective senses.
They can hear you open a pack of Tim-tams from the other side of the house or smell the "stench" of that one Beer you had at lunch some five hours earlier, but are some how incapable of detecting the sound of one of your friends ringing the doorbell or the smell of a burning clutch...
You've got to love them.
Due to some unfortunate incidents, we
cannot recommend the, "Happy Holidays Home For Pets Pie co" as being
a suitable place to leave your cat or dog while you are away.
I've noticed an unpleasant trend,
All the God botherers and Wowsers are seeping out from under there rocks to assail us
with there piety and instruction on how we should live our lives!
As my Great Grandfather (a ferocious Sergent in Czar Nicolas army at the
turn of the century) was once quoted as saying,
"Deep, deep down, some of our blessed ones are rotten dogs!"
One of these days an
American President will not only vow to fight global terrorism,
but also have the insight to revue there foreign policy!
The world lives in hope...
Be nice to each other, after all, even Assholes are people!
I've come to the conclusion that, deep
down, I'm really a fundamentalist Agnostic,
or a borne-again Atheist!
I'm not too sure!?
The good lord only knows...
If you want to get good a price for your
second hand gun, try to keep its original box and paper work etc together,
it always adds extra value to the item.
We Australians are a stupid lot!
We waste part of a perfectly good Saturday every four years to vote for
obnoxious people we despise and wouldn't piss on if they were on fire
to positions of authority and power over us!
The perfect person for public office is someone who doesn't
want the job in the first place...
"I have a very good imagination, I'm just
not sure how to use it!?"
Michael, aged 8
An Elephant is a mouse, designed by a committee!
If you can't hit you're aiming at you're probably suffering from "Ballistic Thrombosis"
Otherwise known as, CLOT ON THE BUTT!
I have noticed over the years that American
Presidents are looking and sounding more and more like rabid Tell-evangelists or
empty headed game-show hosts, than the thoughtful leaders of the free world...
This does NOT bode well for the future!
(Crude but true)
Master, why is my shit pointed?
Very simple Grasshopper,
It is natures way of stopping your Ass from slamming shut...
In the true spirit of the modern Olympics I
say unto you,
"If you cannot win by cheating, win by cheating MORE!"
I said pet.
I said love.
I said darling.
I said sweetie pie.
I said honey dove.
I said. twinkle nipples.
I said PLEASE!!!
But the Highway patrol still gave me a ticket!
"If at first you don't succeed, try and
hide your astonishment..."
With thanks to Sean.
Remember, one of the great truths of
"Shit doesn't happen, Arseholes cause it!!!"
With many thanks to Paul for this wisdom.
A bit of Yiddish humour...
A little Rabbi was walking down a street in Moscow and coming towards him was a
large Russian orthodox priest.
As they past each other the priest hissed at the Rabbi, "BASTARD!"
To which the Rabbi turned and replied,
A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.
Three Jewish women get together for lunch.
As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a
long, slow "oy". The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long,
slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently "Girls, I thought
we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
"Don't give up, Moses was once a basket case too!"
So tell me, what part of
"Thou shalt not" don't you understand?!"
A good scorer always beats a good shooter!
(Rude word in use here!)
Just in case you ever wondered...
"SNAFU!" Situation Normal, All Fucked Up!
"TARFU!" Things Are Really Fucked Up!
"FUBAR!" Fucked Up Beyond All Repair!
A "Pacifist" can be defined as, "a Victim in waiting."
Life is a game, try not to spend too much time on the sideline...
I think the biggest problem with the US and Israeli armed forces these days is that, though they know how to shoot, they just don't know when NOT to!
Note to Israeli and US armed forces:
Please ensure brain is engaged before putting trigger finger into gear!
A sense of worth is of far greater
value than a sense of style.
(Wowsers, this is very
The fearsome Japanese
pump action reloader!
NASA doesn't want you to see this!
Several million dollars of "DOH!"
We found Neemo...
Style is nothing!
Substance is EVERYTHING!!!
Did you hear about the atheist and the agnostic who got married but were soon divorced because they couldn't decide on what religion not to bring the children up in...
(Watch out, the "S" word!)
I only smoke after sex,
I'm a thirty a day man!
If someone is getting you down or making you upset and edgy, just remember this,
it takes 14 mussels to frown but only 5 to reach out
and BITCH SLAP the asshole across the head!
Is there any on left in the world who has not had sex with David Beckham?!
I've been wondering lately, the average
demographic of Australian newspapers is somewhere
in the 13 to 75+ age group depending on the publication.
So how come the head lines and articles printed in said newspapers seem to be
aimed at 6 to 12 year olds!
(A Bit Rude)
♫ Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall! Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! ♫
All the kings horses and all the kings men said...
He's only an EGG!!! ♫
In my opinion, the Gay and lesbian Mardi Grass has way to much style and not enough taste...
You know your getting old when you sigh when you sit down and grunt when you get up...
Do you ever get the feeling that we're just not being allowed to get ahead...
(Careful this might be thought of as rude)
You know, I've got nothing against gay love, and I don't even mind if they legalise
homosexual and lesbian marriages.
Just as long as they don't make it compulsory!
I think therefore I am!
Therefore, I think I am,
Sorry, what was the question again please?
In my opinion (for what its worth) the
average licensed gun owner who "vowed" never again to support either of the two
major party's, would happily vote Liberal or Labour again if one of them came to
the conclusion that the average licensed gun owner poses no threat to society,
and perhaps a re-think of the nations gun laws may be in order...
It costs several hundred million dollars to run the countries firearms registry's and there are over 300,000 shooters in Australia, now that's not many out of a population of eighteen million but, after all...
"It takes but one vote to win a seat, one seat to win office and one sitting member to govern in your own right..."
Political correctness is the destroyer of all good decision making!
You know you've gotten old when all your favourite music is now being referred to as,
"Retro" or "Classic Hits!"
"OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES AND
My eight year old son made a very good point today whilst watching the Road runner and Wile Coyote chasing each other on TV, he observed that...
"How come the Coyote keeps buying rocket cars and giant springs to catch the Road
runner for dinner?
Why doesn't he just order a pizza to de delivered...?"
Are you aware that since the first gun buy
back, Mr Howard has spent over TWO AND A HALF BILLION DOLLARS of tax payers money on
his personal vendetta against our sport...
Do you know there are approximately five hundred to seven hundred and fifty thousand semi-auto rifles etc still out there, (just waiting for Martin Bryant Mk II to get his hands on one.)
"When you ban something you loose total control of it!"
For generations mankind has been looking for, "The Answer..."
The only problem is, we seem to have forgotten what the bloody question was in the first place!
Every one of us, at least once in there
lives, would qualify to be on the "Jerry Springer Show!"
And I don't mean sitting in the audience!
SHE: "Darling, what's happened between us?
We had something so good and so pure so loving and
wonderful, what happened to it?"
HE: "You spent it all!"
It was reported on ABC radio that the British serial killer Dr Harold Shipman (who murdered 215 people) died,
"during an attempt to commit suicide."
I'd say he succeeded.
"Justin Bieber who?"
"Hay, that's show-biz baby!"
ODE TO MY DEAR WIFE.
"I held a hand, it made my poor heart sing.
It was the loveliest hand I ever held.
Four aces and a king!"
To continuously threaten legal action is the resort of Scoundrels, Wowsers and Rat bags!
What are the two most
satisfying and relief filled words in the
entire English language?
"Boat", a hole in the water that you pour money into.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, or cheat! There is no point making a damned fool of yourself!
Anything worth having
is worth cheating for!
I am a firm believer that children should have the right, not only to be seen but be heard as well.
However, I also believe that an adult has every right to tell that child to shut
its dear little cake hole from time to time!
In the past when I get God Botherers at my door I usually tell
them to fuck off
in no uncertain terms and slam it in their faces.
Yes I know, very rude and overly aggressive and I feel a little ashamed, but one of the few things I truly and deeply hate in this world are religious vermin like these. (Still no excuse for rudeness though.) So I came up with another approach just the other day when the aforementioned creeps of God came a knocking at my door.
After they introduced themselves I asked,
"Do you have faith in the lord as your true protector and guide through life?"
"Yes of course" they respond.
To which I reply, "Then can I suggest you do your door knocking around the
streets of Bankstown, Punchbowl and Lakemba!"
Lets see how great their faith is now...
Bankstown, Punchbowl and Lakemba have very big Muslim community's here in Sydney...
BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN
A True Horror Story!
I met with a gentleman the other day who wanted me to sell his four guns, there was a .308 Sako with a beautiful custom thumb-hole stock a nice neat looking 6.5x55 Mauser a .308 Winchester model 70 also with a custom thumb-hole and a Brno in .22 Hornet with double set triggers, all very yummy.
When I saw them I commented how good they looked and how well they would photograph for the web site, until I looked down the barrels.
Now you know when you peer down a gun barrel how it should look, reasonably shiny with those funny spirally things running down the middle, not so these beauties, they were rusted out from chamber to muzzle!
"What happened?" said I, "What do you mean?" said the butcher, "have you ever cleaned these?" "Oh yes" he replied "with a silicone cloth and a good quality gun wax." "What about the barrels?" I ask "I just use a pull through for them, after all I only ever use non corrosive ammo."
I won't go on any more about our conversation but you know what I mean. His guns had become virtually worthless, the only way to sell them would be to re-barrel the lot of them !
And the moral of the story is...
Clean your guns properly, with solvent etc or risk them becoming scrap metal!
We all want to get to heaven but nobody wants to die...
There is nothing more overrated than bad sex, and nothing more
underrated than a damn good shit!
"Rocking on with
Jack & Ozzy!"
Great moments in history.
It is the dawn of civilization.
250.000 years BC, and man discovers fire...
250.000 BC years + five minutes, man discovers, BBQ!!!
And all the rest is mere detail!
Man did not claw his way to the top of the
food chain to eat Tofu!
There's plenty of room for all God's
right next to the peas and mashed potatoes...
This never happens...
How do you know when it is time for sex at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand touches the little hand...
(Bad! Rob Bad!)
Michael Jackson reminisces,
"I once had a twelve year old with the body of a nine year old."
Principals are a
wonderful thing to have, but can be an expensive
thing to keep!
A Lawyers opinion of going in to fight for
someone else's principals.
"Lets be honest Bob, every hour I spend in the court room means another day basking in
the sun at Noosa!"
(For my over seas readers, "Noosa Heads" is a popular and expensive holiday spot here in Australia.)
The Darwin Awards, are handed out to those
individuals who, through there conscientious application of stupidity,
manage to remove themselves from the human gene pool, thus ensuring the
"Survival of the fittest."
Who can forget those great previous winners, such as the Croation man who tried to open a grenade with a chain saw so he could make REALLY loud fireworks or more recently, the bright thief in India who tried to steal tunnel supports, only to have several tons of concrete tunnel fall in on him, or the Australian "Master" welder who tried to tack weld his oxy tank to his tin roof so it wouldn't fall of while he was working, great and marvellous
efforts you'll agree!
But I feel this years nomination (as yet to be examined by the judging panel) must go to the armed hold up guy who tried to rob a convenience store, he pulled out his revolver and took a shot at the cashier, but nothing happened, so our perplexed Napoleon of crime looks down the barrel to see what the matter was, and pulled the trigger again, thus solving the problem for good...
Go to my "Links" page to get to the Darwin Award site.
"Vengeance is mine" saith the Lord!"
That's all right by me, as long as he doesn't dawdle about and I can watch!
When asked why are people interested in guns I answer that firearms are more complex a subject than computers...
Jedi master Yoda sings the Beatles, "Hard Days Night."
"♫ It has been a night of hard days, and I like a dog have been working..♫"
Politicians are not made, they are excreted!
I would rather die after doing the
thing I love, rather than in
the middle of it.
How the politically correct mate.
"My darling, I think we should have a serious interface, and have a frank, straightforward and open exchange of bodily fluids."
On the subject of donating guns to museums,
in my opinion, don't!
Firearms, are very politically incorrect, museum store rooms are full of all sorts of various bits and pieces that will never see the light of day, and even if they do it is unlikely that they will have a little plaque stating, "this gun has been graciously donated by Mr Harry Smith." Its also likely that they won't know what they have in front of them! E.G. In Sydney's fascinating Powerhouse museum, an obviously very rare and valuable black powder Muzzle loading drilling was still labelled as (if I recall correctly) a
"3 barrelled gun, how can you miss!" not exactly informative is it.
Ok, we can't be to hard on people who aren't enthusiasts but you get my drift.
So, what to do with that gun you or you're family don't want?
The answer is simple grasshopper, take the bloody thing to a gun dealer and have it sold, in that way the gun is handed on to some one who will appreciate it and you get some dollars in your pocket, its just that simple! Here ends the lesson...
Living life on the edge, does not mean
trying to fall of it.
"Extreme sports" knuckle heads take note!
You know you're one sick puppy when you get turned on by the
thought of being hit over the nose with a newspaper...
It is better to have loved and lost than spend the rest of your life wanking...
Gun control Australia... I give them 100 points for passion and 0 for sincerity! Lets be honest, if they weren't protesting against guns they would be protesting about something else, land rights for gay whales etc!!!
"OH, man! My karma ran over my dogma!"
An audience with the founder of RPG
I am often asked by new shooters, "what is the best Pistol/Rifle/Shot gun for me?" My advise is always, go for what you can afford and what feels right for you. There is no point investing $1000 or $2000 or more on your first gun if you are happier shooting with a $300 second hand one. Also, try out as many different guns as possible and ask your club mates their opinion. Remember, don't rush into buying what could be an expensive mistake...
"All a government and its police force can
do to stop crime with firearms is to ensure that the criminal, the insane, and
the irresponsible cannot obtain guns LEGALLY... Any thing else such as hindering
the law-abiding is a waste of time, tax payers money and police resources."
(A direct quote from a senior Police officer...)
(Oh come on! If you take offence at
this one there is something wrong with you!)
An old gent goes up to a lady of easy virtue and says, "How much for a naughty my dear?" The lady of the night looks the coot up and down and exclaims, "Oh, come on grandpa
forget about it, you've had it!"
He looks perplexed, but pulling out his wallet he replies,
"Oh have I, how much do I owe you then?"
When asked my age I usually reply:
"I am as young as the sum of my regrets, and as old as the number of my naughtiest thoughts."
(Now this is naughty.)
DEAR Mr DISNEY,
TAKE YOUR JOB AND SHOVE IT!!!
Apparently drawn by a VERY disgruntled employee of the magic kingdom in the 1960s
(Guilty as charged your worship.)
My number one pick-up line,
"Behold, and rejoice! For you are the most blessed above all women! For I am the angle Gabriel, sent to you
by the lord God almighty to do some really serious bongking!!!
Never! Ever! Drive faster than
your guardian angel can fly!
I was talking to an Aboriginal friend of
mine when he came up with this.
"You know, when I was born, I was black, when I'm sick, I'm black, when I'm hot,
I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black and when I'm dead I'm black! But as for you
whites, when you're born, you're pink, when you're sick your green, when you're hot you
turn red when you're cold you go blue, and when you get old and finally die, you turn grey.
And you lot have the bloody hide to call me coloured!!!"
I was buying Mushrooms the other day at my local supermarket when it suddenly dawned on me what a lucky country Australia really is, where else do you have five or six species
of fungus to choose from!
One day I wish to be known as "The
man the neighbours never suspected..."
(I'm not too sure of what, but I'm working on it!)
An armed society is a polite society...
"He who murders a man's only son, rapes his
daughter and buries his wife up to the neck in an anthill, cannot sit at that
man's table and honestly expect the subject not to be brought
up in the course of conversation."
"BEWARE 667, THE NEIGHBOUR OF THE BEAST!" (Thank God, I live at 665!)
To "ban" something is to lose control of
it. You move from the relative ease of administration, to policing, and
overnight, you inherit all the costs and inefficiencies associated
with enforcing that ban!
"I came, I saw, I slept through the whole thing!"
"Sing as if no one is listening, dance as if no one is watching and screw as if you
were being filmed!"
(She made me do it!)
NO GUNS (INCLUDING MY OWN) ARE EVER KEPT ON PREMISES.....etc etc
There, all finished! Now that didn't heart a bit did it now?
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