THE THOUGHTS OF CHAIRMAN ROB

THE THOUGHTS OF CHAIRMAN BOB!
"I wish I was the sort of person my dogs think I am!"
Dear friends,
I would never deliberately or knowingly try to offend anyone, but at the same time I won't bow to censorship or Wowsers!
For my overseas readers, a "Wowser" is an Australian term for the boorish, humorless, prudish and pious, hypocrites who are offended by just about every thing. They usually have a few skeletons rattling about in their closets as well!
So be warned dear reader! Amongst my musings, babblings and "pearls of wisdom", there are a few off-colour jokes and stories that have been sent in and a few from my own very warped sense of humour.
So if you are likely to take offence at the odd Blue joke and will then feel compelled to send me outraged e-mails, (And if your offended by my site you haven't been surfing the web very much!) you best not read on, for every one else who likes a chuckle, ENJOY!
P.S. Contributions, blue or any other colure are most welcome, just keep them short and sweet.
Also, please tell me if any MPEGs or Pictures don't come on.

Ok, my 14 year old son comes up to me and says,
"Dad, I had a really lucid dream last night.
I dreamed I was a happy little Chicken schnitzel
roasting in an oven..."
W-T-F!
Jesus H, tap-dancing Christ on a bike!
WHAT HAVE I SPAWNED!

What a government says they will do, what they set out to do and what they ultimately achieve are always three completely different things!

Unknown to many historians the Fuhrer, in his formative years,
did the Berlin cabaret circuit as a blue grass musician under
the stage name, "Willy Hitler."

"A small body of determined spirits, fired by an unquenchable
faith in their mission, can alter the course of history!"

"It also it helps if you have a
great big fucking gun!"

You know things have gotten pretty bad when you're
imaginary girl friend won't even have sex with you!

Insert Kiwi joke here;_____________
_______________________________
_______________________________

Well it was all ways going to be a difficult marriage to organize from the start,
what with the Groom to be behind bars and all, but as Nia's mum said,
"He's worth waiting for dear because he had the common courtesy to say please and
that's the sign of a true gentleman!"

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his good lady and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She turned to him and replied:
"Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

You're just jealous because the voices
only talk to ME...!

Ashanti Circumcision Knife.
Second half of the 19th century. 9 1/2" total length. Forged iron blade with scalloped tip, decorated with a band of addorsed crescents along the back and leading edge. The butt terminal as two double loops, each suspending a cast brass crotal bell. Grip of two wood scales, with brass band terminals and mixed brass wire wrap. Fine uniform patina. The blade with scattered old pitting
speckles on glossy chocolate brown ground. The decoration with old encrustation from use.
As with most African cultures, circumcision was performed in young adulthood as part of the Rights of Passage into manhood.

♫♪ And the little bells make a happy sound! ♪♫

Heres a foolproof way of putting
all the lawyers out of business.
Try to keep your word and tell the truth!
Quite simple really...

His Sacred Excellency, Lieutenant Colonel, (Her Majesty's Coldstream Regiment of Foot Guards)
Viscount, Sir James Leo Tobias "Bunty" Mainwaring Harcourt-Smyth.
MC, DSO, CBE and Two Bars.
Second Earl of Northumberland, Lord of the sink ports, Lord Protector of
the Grange and Norwich shire, Master of the North Shropshire Hunt.
Universities of Strasbourg graduate, Diplome d'Etudes Approfondies &
Paris, Diplome d'etudes superieures specialisees.
Oxford don, M.A. D.Phil. Ph.D. Ch.E. B.Eng AB BSc
His final recorded words,
"Awww, FUCK!"

BBQ RULES.
Let us now refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor activity.
When a man volunteers to do a BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside
the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed
' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed
Reaction, concludes that there's just no
Pleasing some women!

Do you know that the average western male has enough meat
on him to feed about 100 cannibals in one sitting.
Mmmmm, now isn't that just yummy...

Pan Am 727 Flight, Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich Germany, listening to the radio since he was the junior crew member.
This was the conversation he overheard:
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
Why must I speak English!?"
Before ground could answer someone replied in a beautiful British accent:
"Because you lost the bloody war mate!"

And in the middle of everything,
Colonel Carruthers was herd to cry
the immortal words...

"Shut-The-Fuck-Up
You Scots Bastard!"

Hung Chow calls his work and says, "Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok!"
The boss says, "You know something,
Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon, by the way,
You got nice house..."

Palermo, Italy 1944 and dishevelled Italian partisans can be seen here planing there next move, looking on at the left are two smartly
turned out tailors hoping for some post liberation trade now Il Duce has been overthrown, in the background we see
evidence of Nazi atrocity, a "wedgy" desperately being cleared by one of the brave freedom fighters,
no doubt placed there by retreating German sappers!

How come Christmas is the only time of year we actually welcome an overweight, red faced, unshaved man into our children's bed rooms
in the dead of night...?!

Well over one thousand Australians were needlessly killed and injured
last year (2009) and there wasn't a single firearm in sight!
I refer of course to the national road toll.
I feel that when the Greens and Gun control Australia etc start bleating about the need to ban guns we should also suggest to ban cars and public
holidays while where at it,
Christmas, New year and Australia day in particular.
To paraphrase Starlin (badly)
If one person is shot it's a tragedy!
If 65+ people lose there lives on the roads over Christmas and
new year it's merely an unfortunate statistic!
I feel that being killed or maimed on our roads today is an accepted way
to die in Australia, just like old age...
It's not really good enough is it!

Plasticine, a brand of modelling clay, is a putty-like modelling material made from calcium salts, petroleum jelly and aliphatic acids.
The name is a registered trademark of
Flair Leisure Products plc.
Just thought you liked to know : )

"I say Sergeant major,
is there anything worn under the Kilt?"
"Nay Majesty, it's all in perfect working order!"

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so
loudly it couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added,
'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'

"Come and get me you
Republican Bastards!"

A sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW FLUSH, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

Michael Jackson Dead at Fifty.
Michael Jackson passed away soon after being rushed to hospital after suffering a cardiac arrest at his Los Angeles home.
Close family insiders say the King of pop will be melted down to retrieve plastic that will be recycled into toys so children can play
with him for a change...

THE TWO WOLVES
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle
that goes on inside people. He said,
"My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed child, the one you feed."

Wonderful English from Around the World.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,
IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY
BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE
BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE
USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME

The Squirrel and the Grasshopper
(2009 edition.)

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.
THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a
press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed
to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his
comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be
ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Greens, Animal Rights, The Grasshopper
Housing Commission of Australia and Greenpeace demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from
St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing
"We Shall Overcome".

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes
that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for
an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government
drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are
reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an
additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did
not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission
house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm
to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and
re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine
and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize
and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old
home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country
of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport
because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence
of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because
the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were
abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.
The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up
the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away,
while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because
he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government
funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for
their treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog
during a burglary to get money for his drug habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10
million and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into
funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers. Legal aid for
lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking
cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's
multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for
failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.
The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to
address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity
and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the immediate resignation of the minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights
were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking,
the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are
increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will
have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END?

I've been watching some "Fox Classic" TV in recent weeks and I I've come to the conclusion that, for the good of all,
I would have blown "Dr Smith" out the air lock and eaten "Gilligan!"

Hello Honey?
♪♫Hara Krishna, Hara Krishna,
Hara Rama, Hare krishna,
Krishna Vishnu!♫♪
Did I leave my bloody car keys at home again!?

Heres a horrible thought.
In about 40 to 50 years there's going to be millions of old ladies running about with tattoos and pierced navels...!

Major General Peter Cosgrove
was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You know you're obsessed with the Olympics when you fined your self still up at 2.30 am watching Chad vs. Tobago fighting it out for 9th place
in the Table-tennis!

You know your in a good
relationship when:
You don't mined your partner driving your car.
You can have a face to face discussion with them
while sitting on the toilet.
You can both laugh at each other's grosser bodily functions.

A golf course is a wilful and deliberate misuse of a perfectly good rifle range!

Manure... An interesting fact.
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large
shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.

The main problem with kids now days is that they all want to be individuals,
just like every one else...

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

When politicians pass laws that will be obeyed only by the law-abiding, they content themselves that they have taken action.
As a consequence, while our leaders are absorbed with media interviews and mutual congratulations, the original problems are left to fester.
Sanctimony never stopped a bullet, or prevented an overdose and no criminal has ever been frightened by a photo-op...

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

And now from my
"Never-underestimate-the-power-of-stupid
people-in-large-groups" file.

And you thought the Greens here in
Australia were NUTS...
Go to,
The Silent Scream of the Asparagus:
For complete lunacy!
The frightening thing is, our Greens would probably think it's a great idea as well...!

I am Cow,
Hear me moo,
I weigh twice as much as you,
And I look good on the barbecue too!

The one major problem with our political parties (especially the Greens) is that they put there dogma ahead of common sense!

In the western film "Shane", Alan Ladd pointed out that:
"A gun is a tool, no better and no worse than
an axe or any other tool;
A gun is as good as the man using it."

Elementary observation inevitably escapes the thought process of the well-meaning.
Gun control Australia and the Greens please take note...

♫You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss...♫♫
But Herpes is forever...

I don't know who she is, but I hear she's very upset that no
one will take her seriously as an actress...

10 Dirty-Sounding legal expressions

Have you looked through her briefs?
He's one hard judge!
Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat.
A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says,
"To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who
romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."

If tide and time wait for no man, why do we always seem to be hanging around for Women?!

How does a mother change a light bulb?
"Ohh that's all rite dear, I'll just sit here in the dark..."

Atomic Energy Lab, USA ca. 1960
Mummy, is my face glowing?
In 1951, A.C. Gilbert introduced his U-238 Atomic Energy Lab,
a radioactive learning set we can only assume was fun for the whole math club. Gilbert, who American memorabilia claims was "often compared to Walt Disney for his creative genius," had a dream that nuclear power could capture the imaginations of children everywhere.
For a mere $49.50, the kit came complete with three "very low-level" radioactive sources, a Geiger-Mueller radiation counter, a Wilson Cloud Chamber (to see paths of alpha particles), a Spinthariscope (to see "live" radioactive disintegration), four samples of Uranium-bearing ores, and an Electroscope to measure radioactivity.
And what nuclear lab for kids would be complete without an Atomic Energy Manual and Learn How Dagwood Splits the Atom, comic book. (The latter was written with the help of General Leslie Groves, director of the Manhattan Project.)
Kids do the nuttiest things, but not, apparently, nuclear physics. The toy was only sold for one year. Funny about that...
It's unclear what effects the Uranium-bearing ores might have had on those few lucky children who received the set, but exposure to the same isotope—U-238—has been linked to cancer, leukaemia, and lymphoma, among other serious ailments. Even more uncertain is the long-term impact of being raised by the kind of nerds who would give their kid an Atomic Energy Lab.

It's vital to be open minded.
But not to the extent that your brains fall out...

2007
U12B1
Back to back Premiers!
Played 15 won 15
Points for 433 Points against 96

Even if the little voices aren't real,
they still have some pretty
good ideas...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories a hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you...

Military Trivia

You'll enjoy this from Col D. G. Swinford, USMC, Ret and history buff. You would really have to dig deep to get this kind of ringside seat to history:

The first German serviceman killed in WW2 was killed by the Japanese (China , 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland1940); highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.

During the Japanese attack on Hong Kong British officers objected to Canadian infantrymen taking up positions in the officer's mess.
No enlisted men allowed you know.

The US Army had more ships than the US Navy.

The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonourable Discharge for lying about his age. His benefits were later restored by act of Congress.

The Russians destroyed over 500 German aircraft by ramming them in mid-air (they also sometimes cleared mine fields by marching over them).
"It takes a brave man not to be a hero in the Red Army" - Joseph Stalin

At the time of Pearl Harbour , the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry
division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika." All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being killed was 71%.

A number of air crewman died of farts (ascending to 20,000 ft. in an unpressurized aircraft causes intestinal gas to expand 300%).

Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo.
This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy.
Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double
and their loss rate go down.

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS ONE....
When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. George S Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City , but it wasn't worth the effort.

When the US Army landed in North Africa, among the equipment brought ashore were 3 complete Coca-Cola bottling plants.

German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.

Most members of the Waffen SS were not German...

Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army....

AND I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST....
Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands 21 troops were killed in the fire fight. It would have been worse if there had been any
Japanese on the island.

Lets get things into
perspective.

The Objects shown in the image above, (from the Hubble Ultra Deep Field) can be completely covered by the full-stop at the end of this sentence held at arms length against the night sky. Lets break things down a tad. Our planet, the Earth, circles the sun, the sun is a star. Our star, along with millions and millions of other stars, circle the centre of the galaxy, known as the Milky Way. Every single speck in this picture is a galaxy, not a star, and each of these galaxies are surrounded by millions of other stars, all which have the potential to be orbited by planets, which in turn have the potential to be inhabited by life. These galaxies are estimated to be over 13 billion light years away,
a snap shot of the beginning of the universe.
Or to put it another way.
There are more Galaxies in the Universe than grains of sand on
the entire Earth...

Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better
have a damn good hand...

Subject: Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate.
but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
*
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
*
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
*
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
*
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
*
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
*
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
*
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
*
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
*
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
*
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
*
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
*
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
*
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
*
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
*
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
*
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
*
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
*
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
*
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
*

WHAT-IS-YOUR-DEFECT NUMB-NUTS!
YOU WILL SHOW RESPECT FOR
YOUR SUPERIORES!
YOU WILL LEARN THE DRILLS!
YOU WILL LEARN THE WAYS OF MY
BELOVED CORE AND WILL DIE FOR YOUR COUNTRY IF NECESSARY
AND
YOU-WILL-LIKE-IT!
OR I WILL TEAR YOUR EYES OUT OF
THERE SOCKETS AND
SCULL-FUCK-YOU!
AND THEN.
AND ONLY THEN.
YOU WILL FINALLY BE
BORN-AGAIN-HARD!!!
DO I MAKE MY SELF CLEAR!!!

Never let it be said that the chairman wasn't a gent of
culture, letters, grace and refinement.
To this end I present for your edification one of
Henry Lawsons finest works.
One I believe should be on every Schools curriculum!

THE BASTARD FROM THE BUSH
As the night was falling slowly over city, town and bush,
From a house in Hogan's Alley came the Captain of the Push,
And his whistle loud and piercing woke the echoes of the Rocks,
And a dozen ghouls came slouching round the corners of the docks,

Then the Captain jerked a finger at a stranger on the kerb,
Whom he qualified politely with an adjective and verb.
Then he made the introduction, ''Here's a covey from the bush,
Fuck me blind, he wants to join us, be a member of the Push!”

Then the stranger made this answer to the Captain of the Push,
'Fuck me dead, I'm Foreskin Fred, the Bastard from the Bush!
I've been to every two-up school from Darwin to the 'Loo,
I've ridden colts and black gins, what more can a Bastard do?'

“Are you game to smash a window?” asked the Captain of the Push;
'I'd knock a fucking house down,' said the Bastard from the Bush.
Would you take a maiden's baby? said the Captain of the Push.
'I'd take a baby's maiden,' said the Bastard from the Bush.

Would you bash a bloody copper, if you caught the cunt alone.
Would you stoush a swell or chinky, split his garret with a stone,
Would you make you wife a harlot, would swear off work for good?'
Again that bastard's voice rang out. 'My fucking oath, I would!

'Do you help the girls pick gumleaves?' asked the Captain of the Push
'No, I hit 'em with the branches! said the Bastard from the Bush.
'Would you knock me down and rob me?' asked the Captain of the Push.
'I'd knock you down and fuck you!' said the Bastard from the Bush.

'Would you like a cigarette?' said the Captain of the Push.
'I'll take the bloody packet,' said the Bastard from the Bush.
Then the Pushites all took counsel, saying 'Fuck me but he's game.
Let's make him our star basher, and he'll live up to his name.'

So they took him to their hide-out, that Bastard from the Bush
And they gave him all the privileges belonging to the Push.
But soon they found his little ways were more than they could stand.
And finally the Captain thus addressed his little band;

'Now listen here you 'buggers, we've caught a fucking tartar:
At every kind of bludgin' that bastard's got the starter.
At poker and at two-up be shook our fucking rules,
He swipes our fucking liquor and he robs our fucking girls.

So down in Hogan's Alley, all the members of the Push
Laid a dark and dirty ambush for the Bastard from the Bush.
And against the wall of Riley's pub, the Bastard made a stand.
A nasty grin upon his dial, a bike chain in his hand.

They sprang upon him in a bunch, but one by one they fell,
With crack of bone, unearthly groan and agonizing yell,
Till the sorely battered Captain, spitting teeth and coughing blood,
Held an ear all torn and bleeding in a hand bedaubed with mud.

'You low polluted bastard,' snarled the Captain of the Push,
'Get back to where you come from, that's somewhere in the bush.
And I hope that vile misfortune may tumble down on you:
May some lousy harlot dose you till your bollocks turn sky blue.

May-the pangs of windy spasms through your aching bowels dart,
May you shit your bloody trousers, every time you try to fart,
May you take a swig of gin's piss, mistaking it for beer,
May the Push you next impose on toss you out upon your ear.

May the itching piles torment you, may corns grow on your feet,
May crabs as big as spiders attack your balls and treat.
Then when you're down and out and a hopeless bloody wreck,
May you slip back through your arsehole and break your bloody neck.'

HE LAID HER ON THE TABLE
He laid her on the table
So white, clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there
He touched her neck and then he felt her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh
The slit was wet and all was set
He gave a joyous cry
The hole was wide – he looked inside
All was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
And then he stuffed the turkey!
So what were you thinking!

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear!
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn to see its path.
Where fear has gone, there will be nothing.
Only I will remain!

AN UNPLEASANT FACT!
There were 1605 road fatalities in 2006!
That's right 1605 dead Australians!
And not a single firearm in sight!
I think I will start a new pressure group,
"Car control Australia"
or perhaps,
"The coalition for car control"
I think our government should prioritise a little don't you!

Don't walk in front, because I may not follow
Don't walk behind, because I may not lead
Don't walk beside-Just bugger off!!!

Something a little Ghoulish.
The description of Saddam Hussein's execution.
If you have seen the mobile phone or the official video of this unpleasant event, you may be
curious to know what was said, this is it.

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- The scene was at once macabre and riveting.
One of the most notorious dictators of the late 20th century, his hands bound behind him, was led up the stairs of the gallows by masked men in leather coats. A few seconds later, a trapdoor snapped open and - with a crash - Saddam was dead.
He may have been the first chief of state executed in the age of the Internet and the camera phone. Probably because of that, his death was graphically documented on video, and available worldwide, within hours.
By several accounts, Saddam was calm but scornful of his captors, exchanging taunts and accusations with the crowd gathered to watch him die - insisting that he was Iraq's savoir, not its tyrant and scourge.
State television did not broadcast footage of the actual hanging. But camera phone video, posted in full or in part on several Web sites, picked up where the TV coverage left off.
In the videos, Saddam calmly recited verses from the Quran in a calm, clear voice as the trap door opened.
Finally, his body can be seen swinging in the dim light - his neck apparently snapped.
Saddam had reportedly asked that, as Iraq's commander in chief, he be sent before a firing squad. Instead, he was condemned to die on the gallows - as though he were a garden variety murderer.
The 69-year-old former president struggled briefly as the U.S. military, which had custody of Saddam, handed him over to the Iraqis, said Sami al-Askari, a political adviser to Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.
Saddam did not wear his familiar military uniform with its jaunty beret but a black coat over a white shirt, black trousers and black shoes. His jet black hair was carefully combed, his salt-and-pepper beard neatly clipped.
From that moment on, his last acts of defiance, it seems, consisted of verbal jousting and silent contempt.
Saddam was taken to a former military intelligence headquarters in Baghdad's Shiite neighbourhood of Kazimiyah, in northern Baghdad. During his regime, he had numerous dissidents executed in the facility.
Munir Haddad, an appeals court judge who witnessed the hanging, told the British Broadcasting Corp. that Saddam was not sedated.
"Not at all, Saddam was normal and in full control," Haddad said. "He was aware of his fate and he knew he was about to face death. He said, 'This is my end, this is the end of my life, but I started my life as a fighter and as a political militant so death does not frighten me.'"
After his captors brought Saddam into the execution chamber, his hands - which were tied in front of him - were untied, then tied in the back, Haddad told the BBC.
"He said we are going to heaven and our enemies will rot in hell and he also called for forgiveness and love among Iraqis but also stressed that the Iraqis should fight the Americans and the Persians," Haddad told the BBC.
The New York Times reported that Mowaffak al-Rubaie, the national security adviser for Iraq, stood next to Saddam before he mounted the scaffold, and asked him if he felt remorse and fear.
"No," the Times quoted Saddam saying. "I am a militant and I have no fear for myself. I have spent my life in jihad and fighting aggression. Anyone who takes this route should not be afraid."
Al-Rubaie told the Times that one of the guards grew angry. "You have destroyed us," he reportedly shouted. "You have killed us. You have made us live in destitution."
"I have saved you from destitution and misery and destroyed your enemies, the Persian and Americans," Saddam responded, al-Rubaie told the Times.
"God damn you," the guard said.
"God damn you," Saddam said, according to the Times.
A silent, minute-long video that aired on Iraqi television showed Saddam on the scaffold. He seemed to have little to say, and his eyes appeared lost in a 1,000-yard stare.
Four or five burly men guided him gently but firmly toward a red metal railing marking the trap door. A thick rope hung like a sinister vine from the low ceiling. An unseen photographer's flash created fleeting stark shadows.
With a blank expression, Saddam refused a black hood - but he did so with a shake of his head that seemed more distracted than defiant.
Then he appeared to agree to let one of his executioners tie a black scarf around his neck. The Times reported that his guards explained the rope could cut off his head, and offered to protect his neck with the scarf.
In the televised video, Saddam stood stoically as the noose was slipped over his head. The noose was tightened. Then the Iraqi TV footage ended.
But the camera phone video, broadcast in part on Al-Jazeera and aired in full on Arabic-language Web sites, continued.
In the video, one of those attending the execution called out praise for Dawa Party founder and Shiite cleric Mohammed Baqir al-Sadr, who was executed along with his sister by Saddam in 1980. The Islamic party has been locked in a fierce decades-old battle with Saddam's now outlawed secular Baath party. Muqtada al-Sadr, the powerful and radical Shiite cleric in Iraq, is a distant relative of the Dawa founder.
Saddam appeared to smile at those taunting him from below the gallows, and said they were not showing their manhood.
Then Saddam began reciting the "Shahada," a Muslim prayer that says there is no god but God and Muhammad is his messenger.
"Saddam did so but with sarcasm," Haddad said. But to others, Saddam's tone sounded calm and measured, neither sarcastic nor frightened.
Saddam made it to midway through his second recitation of the verse. His last word was Muhammad, according to a translation by the Associated Press.
The floor dropped out of the gallows, there was a crash and the chamber erupted in shouting.
"The tyrant has fallen," someone called. The video showed a close-up of Saddam's face as he swung from the rope.
Then came another voice: "Let him swing for three minutes."
Asked if Saddam suffered, Haddad told the BBC: "He was killed instantly, I witnessed the impact of the rope around his neck and it was a horrible sight."
Iraqi television broadcasts included a shaky image of the aftermath: a shot of what appeared to be Saddam's corpse, laid out on a hospital gurney, his head wrenched grotesquely to the right. His neck appeared to be bruised.
Saddam's half brother Barzan Ibrahim and Awad Hamed al-Bandar, the former chief justice of the Revolutionary Court, were originally scheduled to be hanged along with their former leader.
Iraqi officials, though, decided to reserve the occasion for Saddam alone.

Saddam hanging a fake!
Middle East tyrant found safe and well!

There was something about the guy at the Kebab
shop I just couldn't quite put my finger on...

                                                           What you Computer
                                                      gets up to,

                                                        when your not there!

Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do; do it with all thy might for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither
thou goest...
Ecclesiastes, Chapter 9 verse 10
BUMMER!
Chairman Bob.

BILLY CONNOLLY'S CHAIN LETTER
Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding
50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland
with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have
it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?!
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!
What a bunch of bullshit!!
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.
Fuck 'em!!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing.
I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't fucking care!
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity...
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you
forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know!
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals...
Have a nice day.
Billy Connolly
P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off!

A word to the wise,
If you want your child to be come completely obsessive, disobedient and just plain stupid, spending too much time on a pointless activity then
buy them a Nintendo DS or other hand held computer toy and watch there imagination and commonsense drain away!

THE PERFECT DAY,
FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
        croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
        thoughtful partner.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
          blow wave.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café.
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
          17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
        secret admirer.
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
        to work on such a perfect body.
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe.
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
        received from other diners/ dancers.
10:00 Hot shower- alone.
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY,
FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blow job.
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
        buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport.
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club. (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine. (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine. (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport. (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas.
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
        who also bend over a lot showing their growlers.
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle.
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson.
        (bending over showing her growler, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave.
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated!
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
        fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
        as you watch football game.
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer.
11:30 Night-cap blow job.
11:45 In bed alone.
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog
          to leave the room!
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age.......................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous.........................Very Fat.
Large frame...........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. Sure, go ahead = You better not
7. We need to talk = You're in trouble
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you bloody moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am tired = I am tired
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am hungry = I am hungry
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.

With thanks to Bruce.

Peter Rabbit,
PANZER KILLER!

The greatest Rugby team in
the entire Universe!

U11B3
Played 10 won 9
3 washed out
Points for 215-Points against 42
Team PIC and Coach PIC
Go you good things!!!

Sorry to tell you all this,
but the truth is,

"Inner beauty won't
get you laid!"

Let's Play,
"My Porno Name!"
My adult film industry friends (of which I have none, unfortunately) tell me that if you want to get into the business you need a really catchy stage (bed/floor/wall/swinging-from-ceiling/back of car etc) name and the best way to do this is to take the name of your very first pet and the name of the first street you lived in,
put them both together and there you have it.
In my case I would be known as,
Funny-bunny-cuddles, Punchbowl!
("Oh-baby-baby-who's-your-daddy-Bitch!")
Not to awe inspiring is it...
My good lady wife would be known as,
Gizmo, Winsted.
The eldest son is,
Grizwald, Chataway.
And the youngest,
Muppin, The Avenue.
This is a silly, fun party game, give it a try some time.

Sex in the Kitchen…
She is standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in.
She turns and says,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
His eyes light up,
And he thinks,
"Well this is a different way to start the day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and gives
his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says,
"Thanks."
And returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled he asks,
"What was that all about?"
She explains,
"The egg timer's broken."

Listen up Kid!
Use it or lose it!
Make it or take it!
Just don't whinge if no one will give it to you!

"Good morning passengers this is your Capitan speaking, and welcome aboard the Airbus 330-200 the worlds most sophisticated airliner!
We've just reached our cruising altitude of thirty seven
thousand feet and....OH, SHIT!!!!!
PIC

There comes a time in every ones life when you must spit on your hands, raise the black flag and start cutting throats!

Why is Michael Jackson like an X-Box?
Because there both made of plastic
and kids turn them on...

Jul 14 1969
El Salvador's defeat of the Honduras soccer team in Mexico City inflamed passions between the two countries to such an extent that the countries began warring with each other on this date. 2,000 people died during four days of hostilities known as the "Futbol War".

My Grandma would give me money sometimes and say,
"Here's $5 and don't tell your Mum and Dad."
I'd look at her and reply,
"Granny, It's going to cost you a lot more than that!"

What's the one thing a Rugby player must have
that a Soccer player rarely needs?

"COURAGE!"

Ok, I'm a Rugby man through and through and I make no apology for that, however I have been keenly watching the world cup and truly amazed at the corruption and blatant bias of the "Beautiful game"

He/She died doing the thing they loved.
Or if you look at it another way.
The thing they loved killed them...

I lay upon a grassy bank,
my hands were all aquiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt,
and her leg fell in the river

Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damn "Gay Cowboy Movie."

"Cowpoke!"
"Let's mount up!"
"Howdy, pardner."
"Ride'em cowboy!"
Two words: "Saddle Sore."
"Nice spread ya got there!"
"Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
"I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
"Fill your hand you son of a bitch!"
"Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
"You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
"Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

When I die, I want to go out like my Grandfather.
Peacefully, and in my sleep.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers!

What government say they will do, what they set out to do and what they ultimately achieve are usually three totally different things!
Merry old England has a total handgun and semi-auto rifle ban and now suffers from the worst gun crime in Europe!
If you doubt me just do a "Google" and see for yourself.

I know a man who is so dishonest and so crooked that he could swallow a six inch nail and shit out a cork screw!

People should never be fearful of there government.
However,
Government should always be fearful of there people...

TEN REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN.
10. You can trade an old 44 for two new 22's.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on
     the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
     you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a
     backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favoured over a woman....

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Some people spread happiness where ever they go...
Some people spread happiness when ever they go...

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot
to her husband:
Buy me a surprise for my birthday!', she said. 'Something that
accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully
bought. Apparently he is dead now...
PICK

Feb 14
The eve of the Roman feast of Lupercalia.
Naked youths would run through Rome, anointed with the blood of sacrificed dogs and goats, waving thongs cut from the goats.
If a young woman was struck by the thong, fertility was assured.
Pope Gelasius I decided this was all a bit too much, and co-opted the Roman holiday to be the Feast of St. Valentine in 484 A.D.
A wise decision.

Best mate:
A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says,
"My feet are cold, can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's
gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs,
"Both of them?"
His mate yells back,
"Of course, both of them."
With thanks to Ray.

Who controls the past controls the future.
Who controls the present controls the past...
George Orwell "1984"

Just a little something for all you "conspiracy theorists" out there.
Remember this guys,
"BLACK HELICOPTERS" AREN'T ALWAYS PAINTED BLACK...

Hooded winter jacket to conceal identity:
$65.00
9mm Handgun purchased from "Ray-Jay" up the block:
$150.00
Failure to master proper weapon retention during your armed robbery:
PRICELESS!!!!!
Thanks to Nath for this gem.

Sex between two loving people is a beautiful thing.
Between fifteen it's incredible!!!

Michael (Aged 9) "Dad! I know your soft spot...
Dad (Aged 47) "Oh yeah, what is it!?
Michael (Aged 9) "I don't know what they're called, but Ill kick them and you'll know...
Thank you for the anatomy lessen son...

It's all fun and games until some one gets run over by a combine harvester!

Great truths children have learned.
1/ No matter how hard you try you can't baptise cats.
2/ When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3/ If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4/ Never ask your 3 year old bother to hold a tomato.
5/ You cant trust dogs to watch your food.
6/ Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7 Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
8/ You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9/ Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10/ The best place to be when your sad is Grandpas/Grandmas lap.

Great truths that adults have learned.
1/ Raising children is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2/ Wrinkles don't hurt.
3/ Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4/ Today's mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that held it's ground
5/ Laughing is good exercise. Its like jogging on the inside.
6/ Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Great truths about growing old.
1/ Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2/ Forget the health food, I need all the preservatives I can get.
3/ When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while
your down there.
4/ Your getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5/ Its frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
6/ Time may be a great healer, but its a lousy beautician.
7/ Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The four stages of life.
1/ You believe in Santa clause.
2/ You don't believe in Santa clause.
3/ You are Santa clause.
4/ You look like Santa clause.
With thanks to Nath.
So remember my friends, time is short!
"Sing as if no one is listening, dance as if no one is watching and screw
as if you were being filmed!"

Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November.
All the rest have thirty-one.
It's so unfair!

The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship.
1. It is important to find a partner who works around the house, occasionally
cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a partner who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a partner who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a partner who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is most important that these four people should never meet!!!

That's it!
I'm going to take my bat home and give my balls a
damn good walloping!

The "Marimba" is considered by many to be the national instrument of Guatemala.
Just thought I should pass this on.

The Loving Husband .
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the New
2005 models. I saw one I really liked..."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$75,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted Last
year is back on the market. They're now only asking $1350,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$1250,000 and see how we go."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Thanks to Adam.

There can be nothing more boring and unimaginative than a World weary, eye rolling, twelve year old!

And now, as a public serves, to all you long suffering owners of Mauser-Vergueiros,
Stripping and Assembly of the M1904 Bolt:
The complex nature of the M1904 Bolt and its difficult striping and reassembly process conducive to the loss of parts, contributed significantly to the demise of this Rifle as a Service Arm with the Union of South Africa, Defence Force.
UDF Troops are documented as arriving on Parade with disassembled Bolts and their parts tied in a handkerchief and many surviving Rifles today are found with replacement Bolts, or the Safety flag having been replaced, as was easily lost.
Today, many M1904 owners rather do not strip the Bolt assembly, or, hand this job to a competent Gunsmith.
Although delicate and complicated the task of stripping and re-assembling these Bolts can easily be undertaken by the average owner and a set of instructions is published here to assist in this.

- Check Rifle is empty and safe.

- Pull out Bolt stop on left rear of receiver and slide Bolt assembly out to the rear.

- The Bolt assembly must be cocked for disassembly.

To disassemble the Bolt assembly:

1) Turn cocking piece at rear of the Bolt assembly counter clockwise, (Seen from behind) 90 degrees. This will lower the cocking piece forward to the "uncocked" or "fired" position in the back of the Bolt barrel.

2) Rotate the Bolt face at front of the Bolt assembly clockwise through 90 degrees so that ejector slot of the Bolt face is aligned with the un-slotted blot lug on the Bolt barrel.

3) The cocking piece is now free to slide to the rear, remove and place aside.

4) Now rotate the Bolt face counter clock wise 270 degrees to align the slotted lug in the Bolt face with the guide rib on the Bolt barrel.

Be aware that the Bolt-face is spring loaded and will release forward if not contained.

5) Remove Bolt face forward and extract firing pin and spring to the front.

Reassembly is roughly in reverse:

1) Place spring and firing pin in Bolt-body. Add Bolt-face noting the keyway for the firing pin on the inside of the Bolt-face forks.

2) With slotted lug on Bolt-face aligned with the Bolt-rib the firing pin is pressed back into the Bolt-body with pressure on the Bolt-face.

Pressing down, rotate Bolt-head until slotted Bolt-face lug is aligned with the unslotted lug on the Bolt-body.

3) Replace the cocking-piece at the rear down to the "uncocked" position.

4) Now rotate the Bolt-head 90 degrees counter clockwise until resistance is felt.

5) Grab Bolt-head in one hand and cocking piece in the other (for right-handed persons use; left forward and right rear).

6) Pull back on the cocking piece while rotating both the Bolt-head and cocking-piece 90 degrees clock wise until the slotted Bolt-head lug is aligned with the slotted Bolt-body lug and the cocking-piece is in the "cocked" position.

Note that because the Bolt-face must be attached to the firing pin before the cocking piece can be added, it is not possible to fire the Rifle with the Bolt-head missing.

Refit to Rifle from the rear.
As expanded by F. von Solms from the original Page 204, Mauser Bolt Rifles by Ludwig Olsen (Third edition).
(Clear as mud!)

Reporter interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She replied, "No peer pressure."
With thanks to Ian.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
"Hardly worth going home, is it?" she responded...
With thanks to Ian again.

Pandas must be the stupidest animals on earth!
I mean they won't even screw to save there own species!?

CHAIRMAN BOB SAY...
"Tis better to be thought of as a big Airhead than a little Ass-hole..."
With hugs and kisses to D.A.G

A society that makes war against its police had better learn to
make friends with its criminals.

Life is just natures way of keeping meat fresh...

Careful this might give you impure thoughts...
.A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.
The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well! I guess we answered that question."

"Now if I can just do something
about my pathetic little Knob!"

Very naughty!
I'm so terribly sorry about this but it cracks the kids up. LINK
With thanks to Nate for sending this in.

The human race having a very large self-esteem problem at this point in time, may it pass quickly.

In the beginning, the universe was created.
This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded
as a bad idea...

The "S" word used here!
Lets put things into perspective shall we,
Even bad sex is still better than a good day at work!

Why is it that young people who want to set themselves apart and be seen as having a mind of their own, usually express it by joining a group where everyone looks and acts the same?

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
DON'T WORRY-THERE'S PLENTY FOR EVERYONE!
But I'm saving the best bits for someone special!!

And on the sixth day the Lord turned to the angel Gabriel and said.,
"On this day, I shall create a magic land. It shall be called "Israel." It will stand as holy. Its magnificence will be known the world over.
I will choose to send to this land special people of goodness, intelligence and conviction. So the land shall prosper. I shall call these inhabitants . . .. Jews"
"Pardon me, Lord," asked Gabriel, " but aren't you being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really. Wait until you see the neighbours I'm giving them."

What's the way to a Woman's Hart?
Well, if you can fake empathy you've got it made...

Never move to a suburb where you see more than
one car part lying in the front yards.

"It could be that my only real purpose in life
is to serve as a
warning to others!"

Combat for Dummies!
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humour.

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop
With thanks to Ian.

A naughty joke from Ian
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his
shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you've got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon
recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood
right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally
recovered.
Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track
down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned
round to find a giant Kodiak bear standing there.
The bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting,
do you...

The Sith Code.
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.
From STAR WARS if you have been living on another planet...

Lets Play,
THE BLAME GAME!
Ok, let's see if I understand how the world works now days...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If children are brats without manners, you blame television and pop-culture.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame
the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries
to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore!
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled backside is parked in front of this computer, I want you to sue the Ass of Bill Gates!

"The Armalite AR10"
I bet you don't know about the sculdugery that went on behind the scenes concerning the AR10 Vs M14 during the US small arms trials!
The Armalite entry was deliberately sabotaged by unreasonable official demands, for example the testing board demanded that the AR10 use a light steel barrel which they new would blow the gun up thus forcing Armalite out of the contest, the same modification was not
demanded of the M14, cute!
In a nut shell, Springfield armoury said they could produce the M14 on existing M1 Garand machinery with minimal retooling and expense, they lied! And ultimately Springfield armoury was closed down by the US government.
Armalites AR-10 promo video.

"The gun has played a critical role in history. An Invention which has been praised and denounced, served hero and villain alike... and carries with it great moral responsibility.
To understand the gun is to better understand history."

Political Correctness represses leader ship, is the crippler of decision making and is the destroyer of free speech!
It is the bastion of the mediocre the uninformed and
the domain of the unimaginative and bombastic despot and coward!
In other words, the GREENS!
A party dedicated to pursuing there dogma ahead
of reason, common sense or even reality!

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding.
As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man
is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--
but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
Thank you John P for this cultural offering.

Esther and Morris and the Helicopter.
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS, AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
ONE YEAR, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU; BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S
50 DOLLARS."
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANOEUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD. WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".

The Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to
heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these!
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into the toilet and pulls the lever.
St. Peter says, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's most exquisite creations and you turn me down. She simply gargles and spits and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," St. Peter says, "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.
Thank you Ian the "Amalgam Miner" for this cultural contribution

Very bad language here!
And now some soothing words of encouragement and inspiration from our old Army pal Sargent Hartman.
Download then click over line to hear from the great man himself.

It's been a wonderful flight!
The seats are comfortable, the move was great, the food was good and the wine just right,
and as for the in-flight service, top notch!
You've moved the seat back to the upright position and fastened your belt and we're
all but ten minuets away from touchdown.
That's when you notice this funny little noise coming from just outside your window,
so you take a quick peek, and...

PIC

Turning right.

Turning left.
Turning Nasty!

Yes, probably offensive!
When a terrorist/freedom fighter dies, he or she is suppose to go to paradise, where he or she enjoys the delights of 72 virgins etc! etc! etc!
Ok, now that sounds all very fine and dandy, but lets
think about this for a while.
After the first three or four virgins I'd be wanting someone who knew what the hell they were doing!

A Cannibal said to his wife over dinner one evening,
"You know darling, I'm sorry, but I've never liked your mother much."
She looks up disappointedly and says,
"Then push her to the side of the plate dear and just eat your vegies."

"Australian Idol"
"Take mediocrity, pump it full of hype, serve it up as talent,
and make millions on SMS calls!

America would do better "encouraging" democracy throughout the world, rather than
attempting to enforce it!

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain dear.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

WOMEN?!
I'll never understand how a women can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto her upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!

Probably something you didn't really want to know, but!
Cochineal,
A red food colouring made from the female Dactylopius coccus insects after they are fertilised but before the complete development of the eggs.
They are briefly baked in a hot oven or plunged into boiling water, dried and then crushed.
Just thought I should pass this on...

Inside every older person there's a younger one wondering
what the hell happened!

NOSTRADAMUS
There are two schools of thought on Nostradamus: Either he had supernatural powers which enabled him to prophesy the future with uncanny accuracy, or (more likely) He did for bullshit what Stonehenge did for rocks! Lets be honest with ourselves,
If you write vague enough prophecies, they will fool almost anyone!

But wait! There's more!
How come not one of the psychics we have around nowadays saw 9/11 the Bali bombing
the Asian Tsunami or even Global warming!?

(Watch out Wowsers, were jerkin the Gherkin.)
Harry and the pickle slicer.
Harry worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
This went on for years, and Harry couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his.
He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told him
that since the desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer
the only way to get over it was to do it!
So Harry gladly agreed to get it all over and done with that very next day at work.
The next day he came home from work at about 11.30, his wife was terribly worried and asked why he was home so early.
Harry explained to her for the very first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He explained that he couldn't take it any more and that today he did it, and he got fired as a result.
The good lady gasped in horror and ran over to him, yanked down his pants, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact.
She looked up bewildered and said"
"I don't understand ... what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"I think she got fired too..."
Thank you Ross for your cultural contribution.

"The ethical hunter only kills what he needs and needs what he kills and feels no disgrace in letting the big one go!"
This applies to all hunters and especially my fellow fishermen.

I am now 48 years old...
"ZOOOOOOOOMMMM!"
What the hell was that!!
That was your youth mate!
Did you enjoy it?

I don't know how to take this, I suppose it means I've "arrived" but a
large U.S. porno server wanted to link to my site...
I replied with,
Dear "Mindy" (This was apparently the name of sites the administrator...)
Though I am not adverse to making the odd dollar and certainly don't mind the odd BLUE joke,
but I don't really feel a porno link on my site would be appreciated by the majority of my visitors, do you have any thing we can link up to without the TITS and ASS...
Regards,
RPG ESTATE FIREARMS.
(Dame it! I think I'm becoming an old Wowser! )

"Australian (American/Canadian/Euro etc, etc) Idol"
or
The triumph of rubbishy hype and mediocrity over hard work, ability, courage and most of all, talent!

Ringa pakia
(Slap the hands against the thighs)
Uma tiraha
(Puff out the chest)
Turi whatia
(Bend the knees)
Hope whai ake
(Let the hip follow)
Waewae takahia kia kino
(Stamp the feet as hard as you can)
Ka mate! Ka mate!
(It is death!, It is death!)
Ka ora! Ka ora!
(It is life!, It is life!)
Ka mate! Ka mate!
(It is death! It is death!)
Ka ora! Ka ora!
(It is life! It is life!)
Tenei Te Tangata Puhuruhuru
(This is the hairy man)
Nana i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra
(Who caused the sun to shine again for me)
Upane, Upane
(Up the ladder, Up the ladder)
Upane, Kaupane
(Up to the top)
Whiti te ra!
(The sun shines!)

Or to put it a little more simply,
"White man! We are going to come over there
and completely,
BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!!"
However if you only read the translation (in red)
its not that awe inspiring.
Ok, surly there's an Aboriginal war cry our Wallabies and Kangaroos
can do in reply? Why must our League and Rugby teams
be so bloody Politically Correct and passive!
Come on officialdom its time we gave our national teams some BALLS!

"Desperate to blend in but not having a full grasp of western culture, Osama Bin Laden
makes a tactical error."

Have you ever noticed that most Wives have very selective senses.
They can hear you open a pack of Tim-tams from the other side of the house or smell the "stench" of that one Beer you had at lunch some five hours earlier, but are some how incapable of detecting the sound of one of your friends ringing the doorbell or the smell of a burning clutch...
You've got to love them.

Due to some unfortunate incidents, we cannot recommend the, "Happy Holidays Home For Pets Pie co" as being a suitable place to leave your cat or dog while you are away.

I've noticed an unpleasant trend,
Since the election of two "zealots" in the US and here in Australia,
all the God botherers and Wowsers are seeping out from under there rocks to assail us with there piety and instruction on how we should live our lives!
As my Great Grandfather (a ferocious Sergent in Czar Nicolas army at the turn of the century) was once quoted as saying,
"Deep, deep down, some of our blessed ones are rotten dogs!"

One of these days an American President will not only vow to fight global terrorism, but also have the insight to revue there foreign policy!
The world lives in hope...

I've come to the conclusion that, deep down, I'm really a fundamentalist Agnostic,
or a borne-again Atheist!
I'm not too sure!?
The good lord only knows...

If you want to get good a price for your second hand gun, try to keep its original box and paper work etc together, it always adds extra value to the item.

We Australians are a stupid lot!
We waste part of a perfectly good Saturday every three years to vote for obnoxious people we mostly despise to positions of power above us!

"I have a very good imagination, I'm just not sure how to use it!?"
Michael, aged 8

If you can't hit you're aiming at you're probably suffering from "Ballistic Thrombosis"
Otherwise known as, CLOT ON THE BUTT!

I have noticed over the years that American Presidents are looking and sounding more and more like rabid Tell-evangelists or empty headed game-show hosts, than the thoughtful leaders of the free world...
This does NOT bode well for the future!

(Crude but true)
Master, why is my shit pointed?
Very simple Grasshopper,
It is natures way of stopping your Ass from slamming shut...

In the true spirit of the modern Olympics I say unto you,
"If you cannot win by cheating, win by cheating MORE!"

I said love.
I said pet.
I said darling.
I said sweetie pie.
I said honey dove.
I said. twinkle nipples.
I said PLEASE!!!
But the Highway patrol still gave me a ticket!

"If at first you don't succeed, try and hide your astonishment..."
With thanks to Sean.

Remember, one of the great truths of life...
"Shit doesn't happen, Arseholes cause it!!!"
With many thanks to Paul for this wisdom.

A bit of Yiddish humour...
A little Rabbi was walking down a street in Moscow and coming towards him was a
large Russian orthodox priest.
As they past each other the priest hissed at the Rabbi, "BASTARD!"
To which the Rabbi turned and replied,
"Yes Father?!"

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy". The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

It's a good thing Saddam Husayn was being tried in Iraq and not here in Sydney, one of our Judges would have him out on $500 bail!

(Rude word in use here!)
Just in case you ever wondered...
"SNAFU!" Situation Normal, All Fucked Up!
"TARFU!" Things Are Really Fucked Up!
"FUBAR!" Fucked Up Beyond All Repair!

I think the biggest problem with the US and Israeli armed forces these days is that, though they know how to shoot, they just don't know when NOT to!

Note to Israeli and US armed forces:
Please ensure brain is engaged before putting trigger finger into gear!

(Wowsers, this is very BLUE!)
The fearsome Japanese
pump action reloader!

Link

Did you hear about the atheist and the agnostic who got married but were soon divorced because they couldn't decide on what religion not to bring the children up in...

If someone is getting you down or making you upset and edgy, just remember, it takes 14 mussels to frown but only 5 to reach out and BITCH SLAP the asshole across the head!

Is there any on left in the world who has not had sex with David Beckham?!

A FOOL PROOF WAY OF GETTING RID OF DOOR TO DOOR SALES MEN AND PHONE CANVASSERS.
When the above pest turns up at the door or on the phone simply say,
"Look mate, I had Cup-O-Soup for dinner last night and it wasn't because I like the taste !"

I've been wondering lately, the average demographic of Australian newspapers is somewhere in the 13 to 75+ age group depending on the publication.
So how come the head lines and articles printed in said newspapers seem to be aimed at 6 to 12 year olds!

(A Bit Rude)
♫ Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall! Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! ♫
All the kings horses and all the kings men said...
F--K HIM!
He's only an EGG!!! ♫

In my opinion, the Gay and lesbian Mardi Grass has way to much style and not enough taste...

You know your getting old when you sigh when you sit down and grunt when you get up...

Do you ever get the feeling that we're just not being allowed to get ahead...

(Careful this might be thought of as rude)
You know, I've got nothing against gay love, and I don't even mind if they legalise homosexual and lesbian marriages.
Just as long as they don't make it compulsory!

I think therefore I am!
Therefore, I think I am,
I think...?
Sorry, what was the question again please?

In my opinion (for what its worth) the average licensed gun owner who "vowed" never again to support either of the two major party's, would happily vote Liberal or Labour again if one of them came to the conclusion that the average licensed gun owner poses no threat to society, and perhaps a re-think of the nations gun laws may be in order...
It costs several hundred million dollars to run the countries firearms registry's and there are over 300,000 shooters in Australia, now that's not many out of a population of eighteen million but, after all...
"It takes but one vote to win a seat, one seat to win office and one sitting member to govern in your own right..."

You know you've gotten old when all your favourite music is now being referred to as, "Retro" or "Classic Hits!"

"OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES AND SUCKLINGS."
My eight year old son made a very good point today whilst watching the Road runner and Wile Coyote chasing each other on TV, he observed that...
"How come the Coyote keeps buying rocket cars and giant springs to catch the Road runner for dinner?
Why doesn't he just order a pizza to de delivered...?"

Are you aware that since the first gun buy back, Mr Howard has spent over TWO AND A HALF BILLION DOLLARS of tax payers money on his personal vendetta against our sport...

Do you know there are approximately five hundred to seven hundred and fifty thousand semi-auto rifles etc still out there, (just waiting for Martin Bryant Mk II to get his hands on one.)
"When you ban something you loose total control of it!"

For generations mankind has been looking for, "The Answer..."
The only problem is, we seem to have forgotten what the bloody question was in the first place!

Every one of us, at least once in there lives, would qualify to be on the "Jerry Springer Show!"
And I don't mean sitting in the audience!

SHE: "Darling, what's happened between us? We had something so good and so pure so loving and wonderful, what happened to it?"
HE: "You spent it all!"

It was reported on ABC radio that the British serial killer Dr Harold Shipman (who murdered 215 people) died, "during an attempt to commit suicide."
I'd say he succeeded.

KNOCK! KNOCK!
"Who's there?"
"Guy Sebastian!"
"Guy Sebastian Who?"
"Hay, that's show-biz baby!"

ODE TO MY DEAR WIFE.
"I held a hand, it made my poor heart sing!
It was the loveliest hand I ever held!
Four aces and a king!"

To continuously threaten legal action is the resort of Scoundrels, Wowsers and Rat bags!

What are the two most satisfying and relief filled words in the entire English language?
"Transaction-Approved."

If at first you don't succeed, give up, or cheat! There is no point making a damned fool of yourself!

I am a firm believer that children should have the right, not only to be seen but be heard as well.
However, I also believe that an adult has every right to tell that child to shut its dear little cake hole from time to time!

Waiter! waiter! there is a fly in my soup!
Have no fear masseur, the spider on the bred roll will get him!

BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP! A True Horror Story!

I met with a gentleman the other day who wanted me to sell his four guns, there was a .308 Sako with a beautiful custom thumb-hole stock a nice neat looking 6.5x55 Mauser a .308 Winchester model 70 also with a custom thumb-hole and a Brno in .22 Hornet with double set triggers, very yummy.
When I saw them I commented how good they looked and how well they would photograph for the web site, until I looked down the barrels.
Now you know when you peer down a gun barrel how it should look, reasonably shiny with those funny spirally things running down the middle, not so these beauties, they were rusted out from chamber to muzzle!
"What happened?" said I, "What do you mean?" said the butcher, "have you ever cleaned these?" "Oh yes" he replied "with a silicone cloth and a good quality gun wax." "What about the barrels?" I ask "I just use a pull through for them, after all I only ever use non corrosive ammo."
I won't go on any more about our conversation but you know what I mean. His guns had become virtually worthless, the only way to sell them would be to re-barrel the lot of them !
And the moral of the story is...
Clean your guns properly, with solvent etc or risk them becoming scrap metal!

We all want to get to heaven but nobody wants to die...

(Naughty alert!)
Great moments in history.
June 23rd 2003, 9-06 am, the first mobile phone with digital camera is sold!
June 23rd 2003, 9-13 am, the first mobile phone photograph of human genitalia is taken!
And the rest is history...

(Dirty bit!)
There is nothing more overrated than bad sex, and nothing more
underrated than a damn good shit!

Great moments in history.
It is the dawn of civilisation...
250.000 years BC, and man discovers fire...
250.000 BC years + five minutes, man discovers, BBQ!!!
And all the rest is mere detail!

There's plenty of room for all God's creatures,
right next to the peas and mashed potatoes...

(Too crude!)
How do you know when it is time for sex at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand touches the little hand...

(Bad! Rob Bad!)
Michael Jackson reminisces,
"I once had a twelve year old with the body of a nine year old."

Principals are a wonderful thing to have, but can be an expensive
thing to keep!

A Lawyers opinion of going in to fight for someone else's principals.
"Lets be honest Bob, every hour I spend in the court room means another day basking in
the sun at Noosa!"
(For my over seas readers, "Noosa Heads" is a popular and expensive holiday spot here in Australia.)

What government say they will do, what they set out to do and what they ultimately achieve are usually three totally different things!

The Darwin Awards, are handed out to those individuals who, through there conscientious application of stupidity, manage to remove themselves from the human gene pool, thus ensuring the "Survival of the fittest."
Who can forget those great previous winners, such as the Croation man who tried to open a grenade with a chain saw so he could make REALLY loud fireworks or more recently, the bright thief in India who tried to steal tunnel supports, only to have several tons of concrete tunnel fall in on him, or the Australian "Master" welder who tried to tack weld his oxy tank to his tin roof so it wouldn't fall of while he was working, great and marvellous
efforts you'll agree!
But I feel this years nomination (as yet to be examined by the judging panel) must go to the armed hold up guy who tried to rob a convenience store, he pulled out his revolver and took a shot at the cashier, but nothing happened, so our perplexed Napoleon of crime looks down the barrel to see what the matter was, and pulled the trigger again, thus solving the problem for good...
Go to my "Links" page to get to the Darwin Award site.

"Vengeance is mine" saith the Lord!"
That's all right by me, as long as he doesn't dawdle about and I can watch!

When asked why are people interested in guns I answer that firearms are more complex a subject than computers...

Jedi master Yoda sings the Beatles, "Hard Days Night."
"♫ It has been a night of hard days, and I like a dog have been working..♫"

I would rather die after doing the thing I love, rather than in
the middle of it.

How the politically correct mate.
"My darling, I think we should have a serious interface, and have a frank, straightforward and open exchange of bodily fluids."

On the subject of donating guns to museums, in my opinion, don't!
Firearms, are very politically incorrect, museum store rooms are full of all sorts of various bits and pieces that will never see the light of day, and even if they do it is unlikely that they will have a little plaque stating, "this gun has been graciously donated by Mr Harry Smith." Its also likely that they won't know what they have in front of them! E.G. In Sydney's fascinating Powerhouse museum, an obviously very rare and valuable black powder Muzzle loading drilling was still labelled as (if I recall correctly) a
"3 barrelled gun, how can you miss!" not exactly informative is it.
Ok, we can't be to hard on people who aren't enthusiasts but you get my drift.
So, what to do with that gun you or you're family don't want?
The answer is simple grasshopper, take the bloody thing to a gun dealer and have it sold, in that way the gun is handed on to some one who will appreciate it and you get some dollars in your pocket, its just that simple! Here ends the lesson...

Living life on the edge, does not mean trying to fall of it.
"Extreme sports" knuckle heads take note!

(Now is this offensive, I ask you!)
You know you're a sick puppy when you get turned on by the thought of being hit over the nose with a newspaper...

(Oh dear!)
It is better to have loved and lost than spend the rest of your life wanking...

Gun control Australia... I give them 100 points for passion and 0 for sincerity! Lets be honest, if they weren't protesting against guns they would be protesting about something else, land rights for gay whales etc!!!

I am often asked by new shooters, "what is the best Pistol/Rifle/Shot gun for me?" My advise is always, go for what you can afford and what feels right for you. There is no point investing $1000 or $2000 or more on your first gun if you are happier shooting with a $300 second hand one. Also, try out as many different guns as possible and ask your club mates their opinion. Remember, don't rush into buying what could be an expensive mistake...

"All a government and its police force can do to stop crime with firearms is to ensure that the criminal, the insane, and the irresponsible cannot obtain guns LEGALLY... Any thing else such as hindering the law-abiding is a waste of time, tax payers money and police resources."
(A direct quote from a senior Police officer...)

(Oh come on! If you take offence at this one there is something wrong with you!)
An old gent goes up to a lady of easy virtue and says, "How much for a naughty my dear?" The lady of the night looks the coot up and down and exclaims, "Oh, come on grandpa forget about it, you've had it!"
He looks perplexed and pulling out his wallet he replies,
"Oh have I, how much do I owe you then?"

When asked my age I usually reply:
"I am as young as the sum of my regrets, and as old as the number of my naughtiest thoughts."

(Now this is naughty.)
DEAR Mr DISNEY,
TAKE YOUR JOB AND SHOVE IT!!!

Click
Drawn by a VERY disgruntled ex-employee in the 1950s

(Guilty as charged your worship.)
My number one pick-up line,
"Behold, and rejoice! As you are the most blessed above all women! For I am the angle Gabriel, sent to you by the lord God almighty to do some really serious bongking!!!

I was talking to an Aboriginal friend of mine when he came up with this. "You know, when I was born, I was black, when I'm sick, I'm black, when I'm hot, I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black and when I'm dead I'm black! But as for you whites, when you're born, you're pink, when you're sick your green, when you're hot you turn red when you're cold you go blue, and when you get old and finally die, you turn grey.
And you lot have the bloody hide to call me coloured!!!"

I was buying Mushrooms the other day at my local supermarket when it suddenly dawned on me what a lucky country Australia really is, where else do you have five or six species of fungus to choose from!

One day I wish to be known as "The man the neighbours never suspected..." (I'm not too sure of what, but I'm working on it!)

"He who murders a man's only son, rapes his daughter and buries his wife up to the neck in an anthill, cannot sit at that man's table and honestly expect the subject not to be brought up in the course of conversation."

To "ban" something is to lose control of it. You move from the relative ease of administration, to policing, and overnight, you inherit all the costs and inefficiencies associated with enforcing that ban!

Remember my friends,
"Sing as if no one is listening, dance as if no one is watching and screw as if you were being filmed!"
(She made me do it!)